Kites were first invented in China, which is a shame. All the way back in 200 B.C., little Chinamen were building and flying kick-ass kites, way before anyone else. Now, people fly kites across most of the entire world and the whole globe, apart from in Saudi Arabia and North Korea, where kites are banned.
If you want to build a kite, here are all of the recognized kite designs recognized by the United States of America. If a kite design is not recognized by the United States of America, it’s probably best not to build it.
Despite the title of this article being “Different Types of Kites and How to Make Them,” I actually have no fucking idea how to make any of them. But I can tell you what kinds of types there are in the world, and then you can build one. Google it.
Barn Door Kite
Barn door kites are shit. Really shit. They are large and kind of rectangular and about as maneuverable as your mother’s fat thighs. Extremely big barn door kites can fly without the need of a tail in light to moderate winds. But flying an extremely big barn door kite is about as much fun as dragging a dead cow through thick mud.
Cellular Kite
Cellular kites are formed by interconnecting sections or cells, so they are difficult for children and mental people to make. The overall design is chunky and not pretty, unless you can actually build something half decent. The classic cellular kite design is the box kite, which is the kind of kite that pensioners and other slow people use.
You can make more complicated cellular kite designs, like a triangle, star or snowflake design, as long as you don’t care if people think you’re totally gay, like the guy in the picture.
Diamond Kite
If you were born in the 1850s, you probably flew a diamond kite before you died of the plague or whatever. This flat, diamond-shaped piece of shit is what children flew in World War I after eating their rations, and only if they didn’t have a metal hoop to play with instead. Metal hoops were way more fun. The simple design makes it a good kite for six-year-old girls, retards, and the offspring of incestuous relationships. The diamond kite is sometimes known as a two-stick kite due to the construction of its frame and the fact that it’s a two-stick piece of shit.
Dopero Kite
The dopero kite has two wings and no tail. Wow. You know what this kite was designed for? Taking photos. Taking fucking photos! Yeah, it’s stable and can fly in super-light winds and can carry a camera rig, but what the shit? Haven’t you people heard of drones? Goddamn troglodytes. Flying a dopero is like flying a fat kid’s fucking skin.
Delta Kite
The delta kite is one of the best kites you can make. Sometimes called a stunt kite, the delta kite is designed for speed and maneuverability. If you know what you’re doing, which you probably don’t, you can add a keel to your delta kite to improve stability. Fly it using two strings if you’re a fucking weakling, or four strings if you’re a serious sport-kite enthusiast who knows his shit, like me.
Roller Kite
The roller kite is basically the same as the rokkaku kite (see below) but isn’t so damn Asian. Unlike the rokkaku, roller kites have vents and fins that give the roller better stability than the rok. It’s kind of like NASA compared to JAXA (the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency). I mean, who would you rather sent you into space? NASA or a bunch of foreigners whose acronym doesn’t even work?
Sled Kite
Sled kites can be flown without a supporting frame, unlike most other kites. Wind pressure basically allows the kite to maintain its shape, just like a parachute. Jesus, that’s the most boring way to fly a kite. It’s like having a girlfriend who has no bones, she’s just muscle, skin and fat, and you have to drag her along real quick to make her fill with air so she looks almost normal. Fuck that.
Rokkaku Kite
The rokkaku (known as just “rok” among kite-flying Manga kids) is a traditional kite of Japanese origin. The Japs decorate the shit out of their rokkakus, which isn’t surprising coming from a nation that dresses tiny 30-year-old women as schoolgirls just so they can urinate on real schoolgirls. I mean, why not just use two real schoolgirls? And why blur out all the good bits? For Christ’s sake, they’re pissing on each other and you still need to blur out their beavers? That’s fucking weird logic. Anyway, the bowed rokkaku kite is very stable in the air and has a simple, symmetrical construction.
Fighter Kite
Of all the different types of kites around the world, fighter kites are the most badass kind of kites. They are used by pimps, gangsters and child drug mules. You’ll often see fighter kites flying over cities in India, Japan and Brazil, depending on how often you actually go to cities in India, Japan and Brazil. If you rarely or never go to cities in India, Japan and Brazil, then you won’t see them often, if at all. Fighter kites are small and nimble, kind of like kittens, circus midgets and court dwarfs. These kites are controlled by line tension, so they fly in circles when the line is relaxed but fly off in a straight line when you apply pressure. The kites are used as signaling tools in drug dealing neighborhoods like those in Rio de Janeiro. They are also used in traditional kite fights (hence the name), in which ground-up glass is attached to the upper part of the kite string. You win the fight by cutting your opponent’s string, or cutting his head off.
