What Should I Feed My Wife?

“What should I feed my wife for optimal health and performance?” It’s a common question, and one every husband should find an answer to. Keeping your wife healthy and presentable is not only important to you, it will also elevate her status in the eyes of others. This, obviously, is beneficial to all involved, including your spouse.

What, then, should a husband feed his wife in order to keep her in good physical shape, mentally stable and odor-free? Thankfully, it’s really quite easy to keep your wife in a respectable condition by adhering to the following maintenance guidelines and dietary requirements*.

*Please note that wives under the age of 16, such as those found in cults and foreign societies, may have additional dietary needs such as vitamin supplements and extra calcium. This article is aimed at adult wives in good Christian societies.

What Should I Feed My Wife for Health and Beauty?

For healthy teeth and gums:

Feeding your wife dry foods can slow down the formation of plaque and tartar. Gnawing on certain dry foods, like toxin-free rawhide, can greatly reduce plaque build-up and also keep your spouse occupied while you are at work. Your wife should have pink gums, not white or red, with no signs of swelling. She should brush her teeth regularly to a schedule that you set. Be strict and make sure you enforce the schedule!

For radiant blotch-free skin:

Many wives live their lives in less than optimal health because their husbands feed them the cheapest foods available. This often leads to skin problems. If your wife is scratching or itching frequently, try upping her daily meat intake. High quality beef, poultry, lamb or fish should make up at least 25% of her daily diet. If your wife is a vegetarian, try to convince her to eat meat or add meat into her diet without her knowing.

For body odor control:

Keep your wife away from fast foods and cheap processed meats. If your wife does present an odor problem, watch her carefully to ascertain the source of the condition. In most cases, you’ll soon discover that she has a sneaky stash of harmful foods that are causing the stench. Dispose of any such items immediately and make it very clear that such foodstuffs are prohibited. Regular exercise and bathing are also vital for body odor control. If your wife has bad breath, give her a raw carrot to gnaw on.

For a healthy, non-hysterical mind:

Your wife’s mental health is almost as important as her physical appearance. You can keep her mind healthy by adding certain “superfoods” to her diet. These include blueberries, wild salmon, broccoli, maca root, eel scales and dried sebaceous glands. If your wife does show signs of hysteria, take her to the doctor for a few days of clinical observation.

For not being fat:

With so many good reasons for not being fat — most importantly social acceptance — it really is up to you, the caring husband, to keep your wife as trim as possible. A thin wife will live longer, play harder, and ultimately be happier than a fat wife. Extremely fat wives are never happy even if they appear to be so. If your wife starts to add on a few pounds, simply reduce her daily intake and make her walk more. You’ll also be surprised how increasing your wife’s daily tasks, such as cleaning clothes and washing dishes, can help her shed those unwanted pounds.

For strong and shiny hair:

All husbands deserve a wife with strong, glossy hair. Keep your wife’s hair in tiptop condition by feeding her a daily dose of essential fatty acids such as omega-6. Add vegetable oil to all her main meals (one teaspoon per meal for small wives, one tablespoon for larger wives). This can be supplemented with durum wheat, pumpkin seeds, borage oil and fish sperm.