Nudist beach etiquette

If you follow the correct nudist beach etiquette, you’ll be respected by your fellow naturists. They might even invite you to join the volleyball game. Photo by MartinD, Wikimedia Commons.

A familiarity with nudist beach etiquette is vitally important, especially for first-time nudists and shady voyeurs. Before stripping off and striding across the sand, you should be aware of the dos and don’ts of public nudity by the sea.

The Nine Rules of Nudist Beach Etiquette

  • Do not stare at your fellow nudists. If that is your primary reason for going to the nudist beach, at least wear some pervy shades and a baseball cap. And grow a mustache.
  • If you (male) find yourself becoming aroused, do not walk around with a massive erection. If you cannot contain your excitement, run into the sea to at least waist height. If you are struck by rapid wood and the sea is too far away, lie face down on the beach with your boner buried in the sand. Resist the temptation to hump the beach — this is also frowned upon, unless done at night.
  • Do not photograph anyone without permission, not even yourself.
  • Do not choke the chicken or tickle the lobster pot while on the beach. Other nudists will frown upon your masturbatory antics. If you see a particularly fine piece of nudist ass, make a mental image and save it for later.
  • If you want to practice yoga on the beach, try to position yourself so that your crack, sack or muff doesn’t gape at neighboring nudists during your contortions. It’s a simple matter of respect.
  • Respect the Code of Nude Sports. Nudists do not generally play contact sports, preferring activities such as volleyball, tennis and frisbee. Contact sports such as rugby, American football and wrestling are frowned upon due to certain unfortunate events that occurred during the 1970s and 1980s. The notorious 1988 Nude Rugby Championship in New Zealand, for example, resulted in three rape charges, one pregnancy, the surgical removal of a wristwatch and one barbecue-related fatality.
  • Always wear an apron when cooking on the nudist beach. This will protect your bits from hot oil. It will also save your fellow nudists from the noxious whiff of scorched pubic hair.
  • Put your clothes back on before leaving the beach. Police officers often hide in the dunes, watching and waiting for stray nudists. If they see you wandering around naked outside the nudist zone, they will arrest you. If you try to run, they will shoot you in the back and say you had a gun. They will claim that a seagull flew off with your gun after they shot you.
  • Remember, nudists are not naked because they want to get laid. They are communing with nature. Your animal instinct may be shouting, “I’m talking to a hot naked person, awesome, I’m gonna get me some today.” Sadly, that is not always the case on nudist beaches.