Why is my husband a jerk?

“Why did I marry this idiot?” Is your husband a dumbass, too? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

“Why is my husband a jerk?” is one of the most commonly asked questions among married women. And for good reason.

Jerk husbands are surprisingly common in modern society. Typical traits include a short temper, terrible clothing, potbellies, narcissism, being a liar, a serial cheater or just plain boring (or more likely a combination of a few of these). If your husband is a selfish jerk, a douchebag, a dumbass, dork, moron or just a total dickhead, read on to find out why.

Your Husband Has Always Been a Jerk

Men are at their best when wooing women. They are caring, funny and attentive. Very few men actually behave like this on a daily basis. Like peacocks, they flutter their colorful plumage in an attempt to mount the peahen.

A few short hours after copulation, the peahen will begin to notice subtle changes in the peacock. The cock is now ambling around in the dirt, pecking at unhealthy foods that lie strewn about the living area, and mumbling to himself. The cock is no longer attentive to the female, and has already begun looking at other birds.

Despite this, the peahen stands by her once-attentive cock. They marry in Las Vegas, have children and begin to create a life together. If the cock isn’t run over by a car, they will continue along a path of union. This union becomes habitual — it is only later that the peahen realizes that her cock is indeed a total dick, and sadly always has been. That’s life.

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Assassination

Your Husband Has Only Recently Become a Jerk

It’s possible that your husband was once a nice guy and still is underneath all the douchebaggery. Unlikely, but possible. In this case, something has turned your husband into a jerk. The most common causes are:

  • Wants to bone other women, feels trapped
  • Wants to bone other men, feels frustrated
  • Wants more money, feels powerless
  • Wants more fried chicken, feels hungry
  • Wants a sports car, feels like everyone knows how small his penis really is
  • Wants to return to the womb, feels like he misses his mommy

All of the above, particularly when combined, can turn a regular man into a grumpy, pathetic loser. Pathetic losers always take out their frustration on people close to them, because they know that strangers will not accept such behavior. Strangers will punch them in the nose.

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Threesomes
  • Wife swapping
  • Have an affair
  • Punch him in the nose
  • Buy more fried chicken
  • Wait until he realizes he’s being a dick and that you’re the only thing that really makes him happy
“Why is my husband a douchebag?” you ask? Well, at least you’re not married to this medieval dumbass.