Why Can’t Men Wrap Gifts?

OK, it’s time for women to learn the truth about why men are so bad at wrapping gifts for Christmas, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, weddings or any other damn celebratory event.

Firstly, we know it’s a basic skill. We know it doesn’t take years to master.

So, why does wrapping a solid square object in shiny paper cause men so many problems? Well, it doesn’t. We just don’t care.

Why Men Can’t Wrap Gifts

Men are practical. Why should we care about wrapping a gift neatly when it will just get ripped open anyway?

Oh, maybe you’re one of those delicate gift openers, the type of person that saves the paper for next year. Frankly, that’s not something we respect. As for ribbons and little dangly cards, forget about it.

Each year, men across the planet shrug their shoulders and smile when women mock their attempts at wrapping gifts. We smile, but we just don’t care.

We’ve already been through the hell of Christmas shopping, now it’s time to just open the damn thing and let’s have lunch. You’re lucky we didn’t leave it in the bag it came in.

Wrapping Gifts, and Other Things Men Find Pointless

Spending more than five minutes to perfectly wrap a Christmas gift is just one stupid thing in a long line of stupid things that men find pointless. Let me explain using a few related examples, and maybe you will understand:

• Salads – “Here you go dear; I’ve made a salad to go with your steak. Nice to have a bit of greenery, don’t you think?” Oh yes, darling, how wonderful it is to have greenery! I’ve been looking forward to this steak all day, and now it’s twice as great because I can indulge in my other passion, lettuce! Seriously, don’t bother.

• Weddings – OK, marriage is a traditional thing, but why all the fanfare? Vast sums of money will be plowed into this ridiculous event to fulfill your childhood dream of walking down an isle in a dress that you will only wear once (maybe twice). Yes, we do it all for you. That certainly doesn’t change our basic belief that wedding ceremonies are a gratuitous waste of money.

• Saying I love you every five minutes – Not necessary. Even once a day is excessive. Why devalue the damned word? I love you, I do. Just accept it for Christ’s sake and let me tell you a joke every five minutes instead.

• Getting all dressed up to go to the cinema – Why would anyone do that? Because of women, men are always destined to arrive late and miss the start of the movie because women have to get all dressed up, do their makeup and wash their hair before going to sit in a completely dark room for two hours. Where’s the logic? Most men don’t want to go to the cinema with their girlfriend or wife anyway. And no, it’s not because we don’t love them. It’s because we don’t want to watch another stupid romantic comedy.

Why Can’t Men Wrap Gifts? That’s Why.

Salads, weddings, saying I love you every five minutes and dressing up to go to the cinema: none of these things are difficult, but none are necessary, either.

They are, in fact, completely pointless.

Just like spending more than five minutes wrapping up Christmas gifts, or any other kind of gift for that matter.

There’s really no point wondering why men can’t wrap gifts all nice and tidy for Christmas. They can, just as they can fix cars, build houses and walk on the moon. We are not talking about skills here: we are talking about simple, barefaced pointlessness and a general male aversion to wasting time.

And that’s the truth.