Everyone knows that anger is a gift, but few people realize how to use that anger productively. Using anger as part of a fitness or weight loss program is highly effective; and the best thing is, even obese people get angry sometimes.
Calorie Burning: What to Smash for Fitness and Therapy?
It doesn’t really matter what you smash, but keep in mind you may have to pay for any damage you cause, be it the replacement of your own goods or the cost of company equipment, your neighbor’s possessions, items belonging to strangers etc. (and any ensuing fines if apprehended).
You also have to take into account what I call the “Futility Factor” (FF). Trying to smash an unsmashable object is no fun at all, and kind of boring after a while. Objects with a high FF include boulders, Humvees and World War Two bunkers.
Smashing Stuff Calorie Calculator Estimates
Using data supplied by the Mayo Clinic, we can give an approximate figure for the calories burned per hour during various destructive acts. Energy output varies depending upon how obese you are: skinny people don’t burn nearly as many calories as horribly fat people.
We’ll take 200 lbs. as our guide weight, because that’s how much Brad Pitt weighed when he was 30.
Calories Burned Per Hour Smashing Stuff
| Smashing Action(s) | Equivalent Exercise | Calories Burned Per Hour | Cost of Damage |
|---|---|---|---|
| Pummeling home computer with fists (sitting) | Rowing, stationary | 637 | $300-$10,000 (not including medical bills for damage to hands) |
| Pummeling home computer with fists (while jumping, shouting) | Rope jumping | 910 | $200+ (not including medical bills for damage to hands and knees) |
| Smashing the sides of a stranger's car with a club or bat (and running away afterwards) | Racquetball, casual, general + Running, 8 mph | 637 + 1,229 = 1,866 | None, unless caught |
| Throwing TVs, minibars, furniture etc from hotel windows | Weightlifting, free weight, Nautilus or universal type | 273 | Medium to very high, depending on further items destroyed/people damaged at ground level |
| Slowly pushing ornaments, clocks, china etc from shelves or display cases | Tai chi | 364 | Variable, depending on amount and value of items destroyed |
| Blowing up/setting fire to docked yachts | Swimming, laps | 637 (+100 for unchecked adrenalin) | None. If planned correctly, this can be accomplished without any expense (beyond bomb construction costs/fuel and fuses) |
| Throwing kitchen items (plates, pans, toasters, blenders) at your husband | Volleyball | 364 | $150+ (not including damage to husband, or legal bills if husband files charges) |
| Stamping on video game console out of pure frustration | Stair treadmill | 819 | $100+ |
| Going mental in a supermarket fruit and veg department | Taekwondo | 910 | Cost of all fruit and veg destroyed or bruised, possible public disorder fine if apprehended. |
| Riding your bike down the street smashing random stuff (mail boxes, street lighting, wing mirrors, garden gnomes) | Bicycling, < 10 mph, leisure + Tennis, singles | 364 + 728 = 1,092 | Great fun, but potentially very costly when considering fines and damage expenses. |
| Taking an unfaithful lover's possessions to a cliff, and throwing them off the edge | Backpacking + Bowling | 637 + 273 = 910 | None. Your state of emotional distress should void any claims made against you |
Smashing Stuff Therapy
In order to watch your progress and motivate your future exercise endeavors, consider buying a hand-held exercise calorie counter. But even if you struggle to reduce your weight, remember that destruction is also good for the soul. Smashing Stuff Therapy, as it’s commonly know, is beneficial in numerous ways.
So go on, smash stuff up! Just don’t get caught while you’re doing it.
