How to hide love bites from your girlfriend

Oh, man, she’s just noticed that love bite. You can look off into the distance as much as you want, but she’s about to go batshit crazy. And in public. Photo by hellonoelani,

Oh boy, are you in trouble. You probably went out for a few drinks with the boys having previously told your girlfriend that it was a “staff outing” or that you were pulling an all-nighter at work.

You wake up the next morning in some strange girl’s house, you don’t remember a goddamned thing and then you look in the mirror: love bites on your neck, chest and buttocks.

How the hell are you going to explain that, huh?

Basically, your options are limited. But there are certain methods that humans have been using for centuries — perhaps even millennia — to hide love bites from their girlfriends.

Love Bites, Ice and Avoidance

Pack a whole load of ice on every affected area and then avoid your woman for at least a week. This solution hinges completely on your natural Girlfriend Avoidance Factor (GAF). If you are lucky enough to have a GAF of 7 or more then you’ll probably be OK and your girlfriend will accept the fact that you can’t see her for a week or ten days (traditional excuses such as illness, business trip, too much work etc. should suffice).

Most men, however, have a GAF of 2 or lower, in which case you’re screwed unless you come up with a truly awesome excuse or covering story (see below).

Throw Yourself Down a Hill to Hide That Hickey

Go to a heavily wooded valley and throw yourself from the top. If you can roll far enough from top to bottom then you should pick up enough random scratches and bruises to cloak the actual evidence. This technique is most effective when done naked, but be sure to protect your vitals unless you’re willing to lose a ball in a thorn bush. If you live in an area devoid of woodland or even scrubland, throw yourself from a small cliff or second floor window (remember to bend your legs and roll when you land).

Pick a Fight to Hide Love Bites

You’ll probably be discovering your love bites at around midday when you drag yourself out of bed and stumble to the bathroom. You’ve probably already got about 8 missed calls and 7 texts from your girlfriend so it’s pretty obvious that time is not on your side. You need to get into a fight as soon as possible, preferably with at least three other guys.

You will have to lose this fight in order to obtain enough bruises to hide your love bite(s). The hardest part is getting into a fight during the middle of the day (depending upon where you live, obviously; in some countries, like Scotland, it’s pretty easy).

Your best bet is to walk down the street looking for a group of tough-looking lads. Call one of them a stinking rat’s-ass fagoid for no reason. That should do it. If not, try telling him that his mother is the biggest lesbo this side of Offa’s Dyke.  Then accept your beating.


Love bites: hide or get slapped (timfitz4, photobucket)

Bribe a Doctor for Instant Hickey Removal

Doctors are really easy to bribe, despite being paid very well. They also like to get involved in other people’s business and are more than happy to take a backhander for the pleasure of it.

Get your doc to write you up a prescription for some random drug and a brief note saying that the “skin discoloration” should subside within a week or two. When interrogated by your girlfriend, tell her about the strange disorder. For extra sympathy, tell her that the survival rate is about 50%. Shed a tear.

Tell the Truth About Love Bites

Are you crazy? Or do you actually want to end your suffocating relationship? If it’s the latter then go for it, tell her the truth about the love bite and duck when appropriate. But if you actually want to stay with her, then one of the tips above should work.

Do You Know How to Cover Up Love Bites?

Do you have more tips on how to cover up love bites? If you do, please share your tactics in the comments box below. Men around the world will appreciate it.