Instructions for kittens

Every kitten should maintain a fearless resolve, despite all the shocks and surprises that life throws at them. Photo by Joaquim Gaspar, Wikimedia Commons.

Editorial Note: This article has been flagged due to title misinterpretation (Flag 5a). The article should have been interpreted as “Instructions for Kitten Owners” — it seems you have chosen to address the kitten directly, which is unlikely to work considering the lack of reading skills possessed by both kittens and adult cats. Please review and rewrite.

The following instructions for kittens will help all young cats adapt quickly to a world full of excitement and peril. Life is full of surprises for the young kitten, with new things to discover and places to explore.

And while adventure waits around every corner, so does danger. A kitten must begin his training as soon as possible in order to protect his own life and ensure his future independence.

Settling In

Most kittens will be taken from their parents at a very young age to be relocated in a new home. Settling in may seem impossible at first; everything is new, unfamiliar, perhaps frightening. You will have to be strong and calm.

If your owners are kind you will be well supported and can expect a good life. If they are unreasonable or even cruel, start planning your escape immediately. You will be too young to flee just yet so you must survive long enough to at least reach your adolescence, at which point you can escape to a better, freer, more liberal lifestyle.

Kitten Hazards

Statistically, humans are the greatest threat to kittens, but most human pet owners are generally kind and caring.

Your traditional enemy is the dog. Avoid small yapping dogs with size issues. Also avoid very big dogs with names like Adolf, Bruiser, Fang and Bastardo.

Many hazards can be found outside the home. Cars, eagles, teenage boys and manufacturers of luxury handbags are just some of the things waiting to kill you if you venture too far from home. Don’t leave the house until you are an adult.


Before you and your fellow felines were domesticated, humans provided a good source of meat for hungry cats. Due to a strange twist of fate, human beings now see themselves as your owners. Clever kittens will use this to their advantage. Humans willingly offer both protection and food to kittens. Even when you have reached maturity and no longer need human help, humans continue to provide.

Eat their food, sleep in their homes and offer very little in return: this has been the cat motto for the last 150 years.

Hunting Practice for Kittens

You will need to learn how to hunt in order to grow into an independent cat. Humans like to play with kittens; they are totally unaware that they are training you to be a killer, but that has no bearing upon your development.

Stalking is the initial stage of any kill. Spot your target and approach with stealth. Strike quickly when in range with claws extended. Puncture the target with your forepaw claws and apply pressure until the target is incapacitated.

As your skills develop you will be able to kill increasingly larger targets. Kill everything that moves including, but not limited to, mice, rats, birds, moles, insects and aquarium fish.

Once you can kill everything that moves, you’ll be ready for cathood. Good luck, young kittens.