How to mend a broken heart

It’s time to pick yourself up and learn how to mend a broken heart, girl. Photo by blameless-eyes, flickr.com.

Some people waste decades trying to mend a broken heart. But that’s just stupid really. Why spend so much time being miserable, and making everyone else miserable, when you can fix your broken heart in a week?

How to Mend a Broken Heart in Seven Simple Days

Day 1 – Cry

Most people sit around moaning and crying and boring the hell out of all their friends for weeks. And that’s just not necessary. Take a day, mope around the house, do nothing, smash some stuff, cry and blubber and then go to bed. One day is enough – anything more is kind of pathetic and self-indulgent.

Day 2 – Drink

You will wake up on day 2 feeling no better than the day before – you probably haven’t slept at all. This is why day 2 is all about alcohol. Drag yourself out of bed and down to the liquor store. Buy cheap, buy strong and buy a lot (rum and whisky are both good for the heart). Take at least two bottles home and get stuck in. Always drink responsibly, of course — I’m just saying, you know, that it’s cool to have at least two bottles, even if one is just to look at. Or spin. Or whatever.

Don’t invite any friends round because you’ll only start boring the hell out of them again. Put some music on, get comfortable and get smashed.

Day 3 – Get Laid

Sleep late on day 3. Wake up whenever the hell you like – you’re going to feel like a bat’s ass on a humid day after all the booze from yesterday, so don’t rush into anything. Order a pizza and buy some more alcohol. Later, you’re going dancing. As soon as night falls, sort yourself out and dress up. Head for a big ass nightclub and have some fun for God’s sake. Keep on drinking while looking for a vaguely attractive member of the opposite sex/same sex/whatever. Grab a clean-looking one and take it home. Get laid.

Day 4 – Rest

Again, no need to get up early. If whatever you brought home last night is still hanging around then get rid of it – there’s no room here for rebound nonsense. Day 4 is a day of rest, you deserve it. Buy some wine or Baileys Irish Cream or more whisky; relax; don’t go anywhere near social media; and watch Netflix alone. If you smoke, then smoke. If you don’t smoke then you can always start, either with weed or some fat cigars.

How to mend a broken heart

Come on, man. You can spend days walking in the damn fields, but you’ll feel way better if you get drunk and get laid. Photo by Benjamin Balázs, flickr.com.

Day 5 – Pull Yourself Together

Day 5 is the day you realize that all your pretty little plans for the future have been blown out of the water. How are you going to deal with that? Simple: embrace it.

You are newly independent and day 5 is not a good day for sitting around doing nothing. Call your friends, go out and have some fun and a few drinks.

Do not talk about relationships unless you want to be eternally miserable and friendless.

Day 6 – The Comeback

Day 6 is traditionally the day on which the cause of all your turmoil decides to call you. This is the “comeback,” and it is generally a pathetic scenario. Prepare yourself for things like “I never meant to hurt you” or “I felt trapped” or “I didn’t know it was illegal.” He/she/whatever may have even had a change of heart. Don’t even bother talking about all this baloney, life is way too short. Hang up, have a drink.

Day 7 – Whatever

When you wake up on day 7 you should be feeling pretty good. A little hungover, maybe, but good.

It’s been a fast-track fix with minimal fuss. Take a look out the window. The world is still spinning and people are going about their business just like they always do. Just like you should be doing. You’re free, you’re easy, you’re a tougher, more cynical, more interesting person than you were before.

Broken heart? It’s still beating isn’t it? So get on with your life, your heart won’t be beating forever.