Licorice root was used for whipping slaves, cleaning pipes and curing acne. Photo by Georges Seguin, Wikimedia Commons.
Our ancient ancestors have been using and refining natural remedies for acne for millennia, maybe even trillenia. Just like us, they knew that acne on the face — or anywhere else on the body — was a bad and unsightly thing. They teased each other; sometimes they clubbed each other to death.
But through all their experimentation, all their trial and error, they came up with some ingenious cures for acne, many of which have since been lost or ignored by modern medicine…
Natural Remedies for Acne: Cures from the Old Times
Licorice root — The Ancient Greeks, Egyptians and Chinese used licorice roots to whip their slaves and their women. They soon noticed that these lashes left hardly any marks on the skin, from which they deduced the natural anti-inflammatory agents of the licorice root itself. They then began to use the root extract to soothe acne. And it worked.
Olive leaf extract — The Ancient Greeks crushed olive leaves under the hooves of sacred bulls to extract olive leaf juice. Male philosophers, warriors and politicians drank the extract or applied it directly to their faces, backs, or buttocks. By killing toxins and molds, the olive leaf extract helped keep Greek skin clear, bright and blemish free. According to historian Lucy Bien, “The prettiness of young Greek males directly resulted in the widespread gayness of Ancient Greek society, simply because these radiant young men were more attractive than most of the women.”
Sand storms — For many thousands of years, the Bedouins of the Arabian Desert have treated acne with sand storm skin peels. With wind speeds reaching up to 308 km/h, the airborne sand particles literally peel away the surface of any uncovered skin. Facial bleeding is often profuse, but after a few weeks of bandaging, the skin regrows completely cured of acne and other blemishes.
Photo shows a spotty Bedouin boy awaiting a ferocious sand storm (photo by Dûrzan, Wikimedia Commons).
Tea tree oil — For centuries, Australian aboriginals have used tea tree oil for almost everything, including for cuts, burns, sharpening arrows, cleaning trucks, facial acne and for lubricating boomerangs and anuses. It doesn’t actually work very well at all — for anything — but it’s apparently better than nothing, especially where anuses are concerned.
Green tea — For more than 4,000 years, the Chinese have been drinking green tea as a cure for dementia, hair loss, schizophrenia, gas, gout, seasickness, and many other conditions. The antioxidants in green tea can also protect skin from bacterial infection, especially if you sleep with moist green teabags covering your entire face.
Sperm — Sperm, also known as spunk, is one of the most effective cures for acne known to man. Most men, however, don’t like jizz on their face. Women, on the other hand, absolutely love it. Ancient Egyptian women took regular camel cum facials; Inca noblewomen stored llama splooge in ceramic pots specifically for treating acne; Bavarian women, meanwhile, applied human mannschpunk every day before breakfast.
Kukui nut — Hawaiians have never invented anything, but they did somehow realize that the oil from kukui nuts was good for treating acne. Like whale ejaculate, kukui nut oil is also used to make candles, hence its alternative name: candlenut oil.
Beheading — During the time of the old Persian Empire (in what is now modern-day Iran), women were beheaded for being “blighted by facial shame.” In the Middle East, beheading remains the most effective way of curing a wife of acne. The next wife, of course, must be acne-free to make this a viable cure for a spotty wife.
What Ancient Acne Cures Do You Know?
If you know of any more ancient natural acne remedies, please share them with us in the comments section below. Together we can cure acne — naturally!