The 58 Symptoms of Alien Abduction

Alien abduction

An artistic depiction of the alien abduction of Travis Walton in 1975

Since the 1950s, ufologists and other specialists in the field of extraterrestrial visitation and UFO sightings have acknowledged the existence of certain signs that point toward a previous alien encounter. While a subject may have no memory of such an event, he or she may still exhibit certain behavioral or physical characteristics that hint at an “earth extraction happening.” These signs are known as the 58 Symptoms of Alien Abduction.

According to the research of renowned ufologist and abduction specialist Hiroshi Ono Wang, if a person experiences at least 26 of the classic 58 symptoms, he or she should be classed as a Grade A Abduction Candidate (G.A.AC). This signifies that the person has almost certainly been abducted by aliens in the past, and will likely be abducted again in the future.

If you have experienced or are currently experiencing 26 or more of the following abduction signs, you should first take measures to protect yourself against future alien abduction and then seek professional help from a specialist in the field of ufology and/or extraterrestrial abduction.

Signs of Alien Abduction

  1. Anal pain.
  2. Enlarged nipples.
  3. A sudden fondness for natural yogurt.
  4. Almost imperceptible lights flashing beneath your skin.
  5. The ability to sense the stares of birds.
  6. Purple-tinged feces (excrement), sometimes containing flecks of metal.
  7. Extreme impatience while watching TV or listening to country music radio stations.
  8. A general feeling of nervousness, especially near cows and obese humans.
  9. Recurring dreams featuring anal probing, phallic artifacts and/or Ricky Lake.
  10. In males, a strange inability to control erection; in females, excessive squirting.
  11. An overpowering distaste for midgets, dwarves and other vertically challenged humans.
  12. Night sweats and bed-wetting.
  13. Increased hair growth within ears and nostrils (in both males and females).
  14. Increased jumping ability, almost as if your immediate gravitational field has weakened.
  15. Improved golf swing and other rhythmic physical actions.
  16. Phantom pregnancy in females.
  17. Fear of pregnancy in males.
  18. Vaginal eruptions, particularly when running.
  19. A lengthening of the toes, sometimes with talon-like growths.
  20. A newfound interest in lizards and/or dinosaurs.
  21. General jumpiness and a feeling that you are being constantly judged.
  22. Enhanced telepathic abilities, particularly notable when communicating with canines (dogs and wolves).
  23. Regular nose bleeds, especially when surrounded by other people.
  24. Tooth-like nodes growing from behind the ears.
  25. Powerful dreams featuring pine trees, lights and lumberjacks.
  26. Frequent sightings of hooded figures in the distance.
  27. An overwhelming fear of doctors, dentists and male nurses.
  28. A strong desire to travel, particularly to Egypt, Mexico or Peru.
  29. A terminated pregnancy, particularly one that baffles your doctor (often the fetus simply disappears overnight).
  30. Sperm on the ceiling above your bed.
  31. Waking up in strange places, such as in your basement or next to a homeless man beneath a bridge.
  32. A strong desire to become a vegetarian or vegan and an extreme aversion to the smell of beef.
  33. Frequently looking at digital clocks when all the numbers are the same (for example, 11:11 or 3:33).
  34. Increased awareness of past lives, often dating back to Ancient Egypt or Medieval England.
  35. Water tastes metallic, no matter how fresh or pure.
  36. A decrease in the quality of your cable TV signal, especially when you are near the TV.
  37. Cats find your presence unnerving or threatening.
  38. Sporadic vomiting, with the vomit sometimes containing owl feathers.
  39. An increased appreciation for the music of Prince, especially albums from the early 1980s.
  40. A strong urge to grow an outlandish mustache or a lengthy beard.
  41. A pressing urge to write a book about your early childhood.
  42. Shit stains on your curtains.
  43. A feeling that you have been chosen to perform a task that could change the course of humanity.
  44. A complete inability to connect with people from the United Kingdom, Canada and New England.
  45. You feel uneasy or fearful when certain words are spoken, typically words such as probe, finger, suction, beam, fisting, flaps, fudge, socket, sponge, valve and whippet.
  46. A fear of nanotechnology.
  47. A belief that with enough concentration you can master the act of teleportation.
  48. A sense of nostalgia for the 1950s.
  49. A fear that your future children will be non-human, causing a general apathy toward fruitful procreation.
  50. Food cravings, often for hotdogs, omelets, pickles, sherbet and cheap Chinese spring rolls.
  51. An increase in bi-curios curiosity.
  52. Waking up to find yourself masturbating frantically, often at a velocity that causes chafing or friction burns.
  53. A fear of barns or any other large wooden building that may contain straw, hay or horses.
  54. A complete renunciation of religious beliefs, despite a huge desire to believe in something greater than yourself.
  55. Wasting hours playing classic video games such as Tetris or Donkey Kong, normally while sat in a darkened room.
  56. An increased interest in underground BDSM clubs, especially those run by German or Austrian dominatrix.
  57. A feeling that your hands can meld with the physical fabric of reality.
  58. Waking up during the night to find an alien buggering you like a frenzied terrier.

Seeking Help After Alien Abduction

Again, we urge you to seek immediate help if you are convinced that 26 or more of the 58 symptoms of alien abduction apply to you. If you are concerned, please print this list and take it to your general practitioner and, ideally, a qualified ufologist or alien abduction specialist. In extreme cases, you may also want to contact the FBI or Homeland Security.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *