Christmas is just about the most twisted day of the year, a demented mix of Pagan ritual, Christian dogma, fat men in suits and overeating. It’s awesome, really, as long as you don’t take it too seriously.
Anyway, now’s the time for internet “content producers” to knock out yet more shitty Christmas-related articles, none more depressingly obvious than the trite and dismal list of Christmas facts. Here’s ours.
20 Little Known Fun Facts About Christmas
- The word “Christmas” comes from “Christ Mass,” a Latin term that refers to the weight — or mass — of the Baby Jesus moments after he fell from Mary’s womb. The Baby Jesus weighed a healthy 7 pounds 8 ounces.
- The Three Wise Men invented Christmas in the year 0 B.C., which stands for Zero Before Christmas. 0 B.C. began when Jesus was born, which also happened to be on Christmas Day.
- The Three Wise Men — Porthos, Athos and Aramis — followed a star all the way to the barn (which was probably a cave) in which Jesus was born. During daylight hours, when they couldn’t see the star, the Three Wise Men drank fermented camel’s milk, smoked opium and played cards for gold.
Santa Claus isn’t real, but Saint Nicholas was. Saint Nicholas, or Nikolaos of Myra, was a Greek lunatic who gained a reputation for kindness and gift-giving due to his strange obsession with putting coins in shoes and a tendency to give money to young girls (which, somewhat ironically, was supposed to stop the girls from becoming prostitutes, rather than giving them a taste for easy money).
- During World War I, English soldiers threw gifts at German soldiers on Christmas Day. On Boxing Day, they threw grenades. It was nice while it lasted.
- Members of racist hate group the Ku Klux Klan decorate their Christmas trees with little black men hanging from sparkly nooses.
- In A.D. 350, Pope Julius I, known as “The Great Pedophile,” proclaimed December 25 the official day for Christmas Day. He also proclaimed December 16 to be Hug a Young Boy Day, but the Vatican Council denied his proposal by a slim two percent.
- No one knows why, but Bolivians believe a rooster was the first living creature to announce the birth of Jesus. They celebrate the Misa del Gallo, or “Mass of the Rooster,” on Christmas Eve, during which they get blind drunk and fight each other before tearing the rooster to pieces.
- The word mistletoe comes from the Anglo-Saxon word misteltan, which means “tiny shit stick.”
- Each year, millions of trees are cut down to make Christmas cards. Scientists estimate that at least 38,000 monkeys are left homeless in the run up to Christmas Day, with most of them dying from starvation, exposure or depression.
- There is absolutely no evidence that Christ was actually born on Christmas Day. There is absolutely no evidence that God exists either, but that’s not entirely relevant. Most astrologists believe Jesus was a Leo due to his energetic kindheartedness, impatient egoism and compatibility with Aries and Gemini.
- There are more than 25,000 Christmas tree plantations in the U.S.A. The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration estimates that at least 65 percent of these farms serve as fronts for the illicit cultivation of marijuana, magic mushrooms and human clones.
- In Medieval England, actors would stage special Christmas shows known as “Paradise Plays.” These plays depicted the story of Adam and Eve from their creation to their fall. The most popular “Paradise Plays” contained full frontal nudity and live sex acts featuring snakes in vaginas and apples stuck up “arses” (the British plural for the human “ass”).
- Malfunctioning Christmas tree lights cause an average of 7,500 fire-related deaths each year during the Christmas period.
- Before the mass production of turkeys, the typical British Christmas meal consisted of pig knees boiled in salt water accompanied by cabbage and rotted liver jelly. The French, meanwhile, ate whatever they could find.
- Santa has different names throughout the world. In Germany he is known as Kriss Kringle or Dicker Roter Mann. In Spain he is called Coño Gordo, while In Poland he is called Komin Złodziej.
- In Armenia, an even number of people must be seated at the table before the traditional Christmas meal can begin. If the number is odd, the oldest person is taken outside and stoned to death by the local children.
In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, many people believe in the existence of a mythical figure called the Child Thumper. The Child Thumper is a savage and evil humanoid that looks almost exactly like the typical Santa Claus figure: a fat white man in a red suit with white trim. Every Christmas, illegal immigrants entering Europe from the DRC perpetrate savage and often fatal attacks on people dressed as Santa, believing them to be the real life Child Thumper.
- Santa’s little helpers are generally considered to be Christmas elves. However, they are probably based upon Swedish Knob Goblins. Knob Goblins are famous for making toys and deflowering virgins while they sleep.
- In 1377, King Richard II of England hosted the largest Christmas feast in recorded history, attended by 72 members of the Royal Family, 106 members of the upper nobility, one court jester and 8 buxom handmaidens. The total amount consumed included 28 oxen, 300 sheep, 40 deer, 89 pigs, 567 doves, 422 rabbits, 343 robins, 5 turduckens, 3 bears, and one Belgian peasant.