Why Has My Cat Stopped Meowing?

Cats communicate in various ways, through both physical actions and verbal sounds. Meowing is a cat’s main means of vocalization and an important sign of mental and physical health. If your cat has stopped meowing, it could indicate a number of potential issues.

Reasons Why Your Cat Has Stopped Meowing

Cat Shyness:

Like humans, felines can suffer from acute shyness. When a cat is overcome by self-consciousness, it often loses its meow. Other symptoms include an inability to urinate in public and a general tendency to withdraw from social situations.

Treatment: Progressive confidence boosting. You can empower your cat using reassuring words (“You can do it!” “You’re great!” “You fucking rule!” etc) or through uplifting music.

shy cat

Shy cats often make no sound at all, but might sometimes meow quietly to imaginary friends (photo © Luca Vanzella , flickr.com)

Cat Stress:

Cats can suffer from various forms of stress, including performance related stress (hunting and sexual), work related anxiety, and environmental fretfulness (typically brought on due to changes in the cat’s territorial habitat). Cat stress is often exacerbated by peer pressure. Other cats despise flagrant displays of stress, seeing it as unbecoming to the species as a whole. The stressed cat is often bullied by its peers. In 12% of cases, the stressed cat is cornered and murdered by other cats.

Treatment: Take your cat on holiday, ideally to a countryside location where it can kill countless numbers of small creatures (birds, mice, moles etc). Tension will soon dissipate once your cat tears up a few of God’s lesser beings.

stressed cat

Stressed cats are shunned by their peers. Stress is released by killing small creatures (photo © Jo Fothergill, flickr.com)

Cat Depression:

A depressed cat never meows. When depressed, a cat’s shoulder and neck muscles slump to such a degree as to block the vocal chords entirely, making meowing impossible. Cat depression is typically caused by a) a lack of sex b) constipation c) denial of a favored food (such as fish heads or Friskies Turkey and Cheese Dinner in Gravy) or d) troubling or overly erotic dreams.

Treatment: Sadly, cat depression is incredibly hard to treat without medication. Most vets will prescribe cat valium, ketamin, LSD or Prozac. Alternative therapies include cognitive behavioral therapy, cat yoga (available at the Cat’s Cradle Clinic in Beverly Hills) and electro-shock therapy (which you can do yourself at home).

depressed cat

“This is not what I wanted from life” (photo © Tara Sturm, flickr.com)

Silent Cat Protest:

Cats are stubbornly abusive creatures who are entirely accustomed to getting their own way. When a cat stops meowing, it’s often a simple case of silent protest. A cat knows that its silence will trouble you, forcing you to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to rectify any potential cause of upset in the cat’s life.

Treatment: Ignore the little fucker. Or buy a dog.

silent cat protest

A silent cat protest can last for weeks, especially if the cat believes you care (photo © red.dahlia, flickr.com)

Cat Death:

Your cat is dead. It has therefore stopped breathing and meowing.

Treatment: If recently dead (within 5 minutes), try cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). If dead a while ago (5 to 35 minutes), try an adrenalin shot to the heart or connect your cat directly to mains electricity. If long dead, buy another cat.

dead cat gravestone

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