Get laid in Wales
An 1860 painting of two women from Dref Defaid Mawr in Wales. The countryside has changed little since then, but the women have changed a great deal. Rather than knitting, today’s local girls sniff glue and drink cheap cider until they puke and pass out.

Each year, many American tourists travel to the English principality of Wales in search of their ancestors, leading them to places that no other tourists would ever think about visiting.

Dref Dafaid Mawr is such a place: A small Welsh village with very little to offer beyond walking in the surrounding countryside and having fun trying to communicate with the hard-faced locals. You may be invited to the Dwrn Dynn Inn for a few pints of Felinfoel Ale, but after closing time (11:00 pm) and on Sundays you will be left with few options for entertainment other than returning to your hotel room for a lengthy period of silent masturbation in front of Welsh-language TV.

Luckily, new arrivals may be able to arrange a bit of action to help warm those cold days and lonely nights. There are no brothels or lap-dancing clubs in Dref Dafaid Mawr, but there are a few well-known local hot-spots for a quick bit of action at bargain prices.

Dref Defaid Mawr

Round the Back of SPAR

According to Wikipedia, “SPAR is an international retail chain and franchise with approximately 12,500 stores in 42 countries worldwide.” In Britain, especially in Wales, even the shittiest little backwater village will have a SPAR store.

SPAR is the shop where teens buy cheap cider and potheads buy large rolling papers. SPAR tends to employ vacant women between the ages of 16 and 86 to stack shelves, operate counters and mop up puke and piss. Occasionally, a SPAR girl, as they are known, is passably attractive. Attractive or not, these women are normally thoroughly depressed. They spend most of their time having cigarette breaks round the back of the shop while staring into space.

If you go round the back of the SPAR in Dref Defaid Mawr (there’s a small alleyway to the right of the shop), you will almost certainly find a woman standing there. The woman will either be Betty Bags (age 49) or Angharad Williams (age 18). Betty Bags has the greater reputation, but Angharad is surprisingly pretty.

Both of them offer quick tobacco-infused blowjobs for the price of a shop-bought chicken-and-bacon sandwich.

Spar shop in Wales

The SPAR in Dref Defaid Mawr has seen better days, but it’s still the best shop in the village. Head down the alleyway to the right for a quickie. Photo by Kevin Lane,

Down By the Bridge

Local Welsh potheads congregate down by the little stone bridge that crosses over the Wrin Melyn River (to get to the bridge, walk for about 10 minutes across the fields to the northeast of the village). These locals like to get stoned out of their tiny minds, at which point they are incredibly open to suggestion. They are also extremely non-confrontational.

If you engage one of them in conversation for about five minutes, you should be able to then ask for pretty much any kind of sexual favor. The service may be sloppy, but you probably won’t even need to pay. If they do ask for some kind of tip, give them a can of Coke.

While this may sound like a damn good option for a bit of cheap nooky, you will be taking a slight risk getting there. You will have to cross fields owned by Daff Bach, a hulking and thoroughly inbred Welsh farmer who will almost certainly try to rape you on your way to or from the bridge (perhaps both). If that sounds like something you can deal with, give it a go.

The Concrete Tube in the Park

If you like barely-legal women who are too wasted to know better, head down to the large but depressingly dull park just south of the village. Here you’ll find a few rusted swings and a lethal roundabout that has already claimed three young lives.

There’s also a great big concrete tube which was presumably meant as a fun place for children. It is not. From the early evening to late at night, this tube is always awash with piss, rancid beer and drunk 17- and 18-year-old girls who like to wear black and say things like “fuck my life.”

It’s a horrible damn place, but you can normally negotiate a quick handjob (swydd llaw in Welsh) for the price of a can of extra-strength cider.

Note: Gavin the Goat (pictured) lives in the park and typically rests atop the tunnel during the day. At night, he hides in the bushes to avoid the amorous advances of local Welshmen who are bored of screwing sheep. Photo by Indi Samarajiva,

Tunnel in park in Wales

Fat Sian Butcher

Fat Sian Butcher is one of the ugliest, most foul-smelling women in Wales. She is also a staunch Welsh nationalist and enjoys burning down houses owned by the invading English scum. She’s a horrible fucking thing.

Despite all that, Fat Sian Butcher will do things — depraved things — that most other women would never even consider. Things that most men haven’t even considered. She’s a brute of barbaric proportions, but she’s also — for men with more deviant minds — the font of all forbidden pleasure.

You can find Fat Sian in the Dwrn Dynn Inn, where she works all day from Monday to Saturday. You’ll know which one she is.

Dai Young’s Daughter

Dai Young’s daughter is by far the most beautiful woman in Dref Defaid Mawr. She’s a raven-haired sprite with skin as clear as Welsh mountain water. For local male residents, however, she is completely off limits.

Dai Young, the local police chief and father of said beauty, guards her with such jealousy that no man can even speak her name. In fact, very few men even know her name because no one has dared say it for years.

This may sound like a non-starter for outsiders in need of a quick hand-shandy. Dai Young, however, is rather fond of American tourists, seeing them as perfect potential suitors for his precious daughter. Considering that the village receives approximately two American tourists each year, you’ll have a good chance of bedding Dai Young’s stunning offspring.

The downside? If you hurt Dai Young’s daughter in any way, Dai Young will tear your face off and ram it up your ass using his rather large and very hairy fists. Alternatively, if Dai Young’s daughter decides she likes you, you will have to stay with her in Dref Defaid Mawr forever or sneak out of the village in the dead of night. If Dai Young catches you sneaking out of Dref Defaid Mawr, he will do things to you that not even Fat Sian Butcher has considered doing. Tread carefully.