Why Are the Kardashians Famous?

Various theories exist as to why the Kardashians are famous. Some blame it on Paris Hilton, while others say it’s because Kim made a sex tape. Another theory blames society as a whole, simply stating that modern humans have become so stupid that they will idolize anything placed on TV (especially if it’s pretty, pouting and argumentative).

What few people understand, however, is the sinister and ancient nature of Kardashian fame. It’s a dark history; a tale of rituals, sacrifice and breasts (obviously).

kim-kardashian-famous

The Rise of the Clan Kardashian

In 1809, a dark-haired woman strode through the deep forests of Armenia. The rain lashed down through the trees, the water making her robes heavy and thick. But she was determined.

The young woman was Kekel Kardashian, the great, great, great, great grandmother of Kim, Kourtney and co. She was beautiful, but her life was hard. At 19 years of age, she had just had her first child. Intent on forging a better future for her offspring, Kekel sought out the Witch Clan of the Shikahogh Woods.

The Witch Clan possessed powerful magick — dark spells and ancient curses that had made them enemies of the Armenian State. Now, deep in the darkwoods, they practiced their arts away from the prying eyes of an increasingly modern and intolerant society.

Kekel walked for days, her dark eyes fixed to the rough and ancient trails of the vanished woodland tribes. Follow your heart, they had told her, and you will find the Clan. But be careful, they had said, for the witches will demand much of you, much more than you can imagine.

Finally, Kekel came upon a clearing. Gnarled trees rose up from the earth like tortured hands. Beyond the rough clearing, beyond the dark earth, the mouth of a cave gaped like the throat of a beast. Within, faint traces of flame cast shadows in the depths, ghostly tremors of light and movement.

“Witches,” Kekel cried, “hear me!” Her words echoed back from the cave, unnatural and stripped of all humanity. “I come seeking a better future for my kin. I offer you all that you wish to take, I offer you my soul!”

Soul, soul, soul… The word echoed back, each repetition louder than the first.

Movement, solid movement from within. Cloaked and hooded figures began to emerge. They moved like flowing mud, connected to the ground, to the soul of the ancient earth. “Soul, you say?” said the first. A woman’s voice, but something more, something stronger.

Four witches now stood in the clearing, eyes fixed upon Kekel from beneath their tattered hoods. “Soul? You have a soul, a soul to give?”

“I have a strong heart, but my life is troubled,” said Kekel. “No matter how hard I try, I cannot make my way in this world. I ask nothing for myself, but I ask you now to give fame, fortune and physical beauty to my offspring and to future generations of Kardashians. Make the Kardashians famous and free them from my toil!”

The second witch now spoke: “Fame, fortune and physical beauty, you ask no more?”

“Nothing more, wise witches, nothing more.”

“And so it shall be. But first you must do the Dance of Shikahogh!” The other witches cried with glee, “The dance, the dance, she shall do the dance! The Dance of Shikahogh!”

Kekel stepped closer. “I shall do the dance. Tell me how.”

And so it was that Kekel Kardashian submitted to the Dance of Shikahogh, an ancient dance that the witches enjoyed more than any other. They ordered Kekel to disrobe, to stand naked in front of them. And so she did. She stood in all her perfection upon the dark earth of the clearing, and the rain began to fall upon her perfectly formed breasts, her smooth thighs, her raven hair, the cleft of her exquisitely formed buttocks.

The witches then adorned her in preparation for the dance. They placed a hedgehog upon her head; they hung a leopard’s tail from her buttocks (“clench,” they cried, “clench”); they affixed the tiny beaks of two snowcocks to her protruding nipples; her feet were placed inside the severed paws of a giant bear.

“Now dance!” they cried, “Dance the Dance of Shikahogh!”

Kekel was a terrible dancer, but she tried. Oh how she tried. The witches were happy and they began to sing amidst bouts of hysterically laughter:

She dances, she dances,
The Dance of Shikahogh!
What a fool she looks,
What a tit,
As she dances with a hog on her head,
And a bear on her feet!

Indeed, Kekel looked like a total idiot. The witches laughed uncontrollably, snorting and cackling and occasionally releasing foul-smelling farts as they watched her performance. One even rolled around in the dirt, doubled over in all her glee.

They had taken her dignity for their own amusement. They had also drawn impressively detailed sketches of the dancing Kekel, which they later sold to the Armenian press. They then spread gossip throughout the nation, telling of her ridiculous dance.

And so it was. So it began. Kekel returned to her village, but her family and friends shunned her; she had become a joke in society. She returned to the darkwoods, where she remained, isolated and alone, with only her child for company.

But the witches had not lied. Kekel was damned to loneliness, but her child — and all her female descendents — received what the Witch Clan of Shikahogh had promised:

Fame, fortune and physical beauty, nothing more.

Talent, wisdom, dignity… Such things have been lost to the line of Kardashian women, but they have always had a strange capacity for achieving fame, fortune and physical beauty. But nothing more.  Nothing more.

And that is why the Kardashians are famous. At least, it seems to make as much sense as any other theory.

THE END

  30 comments for “Why Are the Kardashians Famous?

  1. hi
    June 1, 2012 at 10:01 am

    hi

  2. Jessica
    November 27, 2012 at 6:25 am

    How did you find out this information?

    • December 3, 2012 at 9:22 pm

      Hello Jessica, and thanks for your question. My research spanned many sources, but I have listed some key texts and information repositories below:

      — “Abominations: Witches and Witchcraft in 19 Century Europe” by Nicthel Watflurter

      — “A Crisis of Modernity: The Indictment of Armenia” by Glowflowre Whipshtift

      — “The Shikahogh Woods, A Place of Greater Darkness” by Clement B. Bastillion

      — Numerous texts and documents housed in the library of Walter F. Blump (located in Nantucket, Massachusetts), a collector of rare texts on the subject of wizardry and witchcraft

      The above resources formed the backbone of my research, but many other sources helped to confirm the finer details.

      Thank you.

      • Jim
        July 15, 2015 at 3:05 am

        If you Google these books, only this website comes up. No other website. Just this one. So, not that I believed it anyway, but not onlydo you have no refrences, but you made up refrences. Also, this woman would have changed her last name when she got married, making her descendants not Kardashians.

        • stella
          March 15, 2017 at 9:02 am

          She never got married didnt u read the story? She got the Scarlet letter, she was excommunicated from society..

      • Margaux
        October 19, 2015 at 10:42 pm

        Every single one of these books and authors is made up. And there’s no such place as library of Walter F. Blump in the entire state of Massachusetts, or anywhere in the US.

  3. sexybabymama
    March 12, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    i dont really like the kardashians i really only like klohe kardashian not the rest.

  4. Reva
    November 11, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    This is kind of stupid. It degrades the whole kardashian family. I know that there are a lot of people that hate the Kardashians but what good does it do to you if you make stupid theories about how they got famous? It’s ridiculous actually. What’s the purpose of this? To humor people?

    I didn’t find it funny, just dumb. You also had some errors in your story.

    • January 2, 2015 at 2:15 pm

      Errors? It should all be factually correct.

  5. Amelle
    March 15, 2015 at 12:37 am

    Hello! I really need to be in contact with you, i’m a french journalist actually working on a book about the Kardashian.

    • March 20, 2015 at 8:55 am

      Hi Amelle. You can reference any of the research above as long as you clearly state StudioKnow as your source. It took us a long time to research this article. Thanks.

    • stella
      March 15, 2017 at 9:10 am

      My Sister said something interesting about this yesterday “If the story is FALSE the Kardashians would have come forward already to dismiss the story being that they take family so seriously and are close to their grandmother.” They also went to Armenia to visit their ancestor’s house not so long ago. If it wasn’t true they would of RAGED about this story floating on the internet, a lot of people have already asked me about this… NOt to mention that its been years since the rumor that they are witches started circulating thought those rumors never talked about Kekel Kardashian just about the Kardashian Curse…

  6. Bibi
    June 4, 2015 at 1:25 am

    seriously!
    am not a fan of the Kardashians,
    but this is way childish. its like many fan-fiction stories that amateurs write. what a vivid imagination you have.

  7. truthwillsetufree
    July 8, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Love it..makes sense to me lol

  8. Amor
    July 21, 2015 at 1:18 am

    Should be a movie. Hollywood would eat this up. Of course names would be changed.

  9. Luke
    July 30, 2015 at 8:07 am

    There are many in the comments who are very afraid by the top notch research that is presented in this article. Jim & Jessica to name a few. While Jim may doubt the nature of the research done, I can speak to the profound impact that “The Shikahogh Woods, A Place of Greater Darkness” by Clement B. Bastillion has had on my study of the dark arts. Thank you for this StudioKnow 🙂

    • August 1, 2015 at 7:34 am

      Thanks Luke. It’s good to know that you found a copy of “The Shikahogh Woods, A Place of Greater Darkness” — arguably the greatest work ever created on this subject. It’s a shame that the book is so rare, otherwise I’m sure it would be studied more widely in academic circles, perhaps even in schools. I believe that there are currently six known copies remaining in the world, three of which are in the private collection of Walter F. Blump.

    • Margaux
      October 19, 2015 at 10:36 pm

      No you can’t, because there is no such book. & I dare you to provide one single piece of evidence that this book, or any of these books exist.

      • stella
        March 15, 2017 at 9:18 am

        My Sister said something interesting yesterday “If the story was FALSE the Kardashians would have come forward already to dismiss the story being that they are so close to family.” They also went to Armenia to visit their ancestor’s house not so long ago, never mentioned once Kekel. If it wasn’t true they would of RAGED about this story floating on the internet, a lot of people have already asked me about this… NOT to mention that it’s been years since the rumor that they are witches started circulating, though those rumors never mentioned Kekel Kardashian either they just talk about the Kardashian Curse…

  10. Halima
    October 14, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    Hi, this is an interesting article. I am trying to do more research on this subject as well, however after searching online I cannot find any such books. So I am trying to find the Walter F Blump Library and there is no such a thing as well. Maybe if you could post a link of the library and its address would be helpful so I could go there.

  11. Margaux
    October 19, 2015 at 10:30 pm

    The fact that you actually made up fake references for this ghastly fairytale, AND dared people to check your references, is hilarious. & please don’t tell me to check your bogus references (like you did everyone else), bc it only took about a minute to realize every single title and author you listed is completely made up.

  12. Mick
    December 9, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    Thank you for you insightful revelations of this notable clan. I realize a lot of people believe this story to be fake. What should be pointed out is that “Faking It” is essential to a true understanding of the Kardashians. I will be interested to hear your research into how the Jenner ancestry actually intersects with this fascinating family.

    Always remember, the truth is like an Onion; there’s always another layer underneath!

  13. Bathsheba
    December 26, 2015 at 4:20 pm

    To all those having trouble finding the library of Walter F. Blump I assure you that though it may not be well known it is very real. I visit there quite frequently, the selection of books is far superior to that of any other library I have seen, especially books on matters such as the one that this article discusses.

    • January 7, 2016 at 8:34 am

      Bathsheba, you are very lucky to have access to the library. It is indeed a marvel, with books that you simply cannot find elsewhere, printed or digital.

  14. Beefy
    February 29, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    This whole website is pure bullshit hahaha, god story though

    • Beefy
      February 29, 2016 at 8:00 pm

      Good***

  15. Cinnamon
    June 6, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    There’s nothing to back this up, so..I don’t believe you.

  16. Chang
    September 21, 2016 at 11:12 pm

    **EVERYONE READ** OKAY.. Here it goes. If I would of seen this story in 2012. I would of thought u was crazy and had a mental illness.. Witches really… REALLY. Come on. Slap me twice. But this story is almost identical to the new Music video Kanye West released called FADE. Here me out. So, in the story The witches wanted KeKel K. to do this crazy dance NAKED (The actress in the FADE is dam near naked through out the whole video. Did I mention the actress does dance crazy for majority of the video) The witches wanted KeKel K. To wear a tail and hog head and in the FADE video the actress wears a tail and has animal facial and body modification Check. The witches told her village and family about the dance… This represents Kim K sex tape. She was humiliated but understood fame, fortune, and beauty were pending… Check. At the end of FADE video actress was surrounded by sheep. The Sheep represents the viewers, basically regular society. The guy in the video represents Kanye and the baby is North. After her humiliation (Dance) Her descendants received fame, fortune, and beauty. Nothing More, Nothing more. So the FADE video is actually the Kardashians family story just modernized and sexually explicit for the attention and views. Now Kris K probably told Kim K about the family past. Kris and Kim are VERY close BTW. Maybe be her favorite daughter. (WHY FADE VIDEO MADE) I guarantee you if true…. Kim told Kanye about her family past and he thought hmm great concept for video. Or They conducted their own research which celebrities do all the time. The team Sees what’s trending or Not for the artist and sometimes use it to their advantage. Which means u should sue lmfao. I know the shit sound weird but the pieces fit good. This i can say was artistry from Kanye because no one would never have thought of FADE in that light. Well… Only the non sheep folk. Now I don’t know how and where u got your information. I tried to research. however, I didn’t find too much. But it is weird how this story is spot on and it came out four years ago and updated in May 2016. Fade was just released this past month and it’s September 2016. It was a surprise video by Kanye. No pre press or leaks about the video. Another theory: I believe you have a reliable or trusted person to the Kardashians. Or Maybe we both bat shut crazy LOL. What y’all think?

    • September 26, 2016 at 8:39 am

      Clever, Mr. Chang. Very clever.

    • stella
      March 15, 2017 at 9:24 am

      That makes a lot of sense Kanye is always stealing ideas from people or place or stories for his music…He has done it over n over latest stunt was using poor Swift Taylor to promote his new album by calling her a B….. n a liar n still wanting to have sex with her even though he is married to Kim. That’s how absurd he is….so it totally fits the picture Chang….

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