So you want to buy stupid things online, huh? Excellent. Here are some awesome products that you really don’t need, but you might as well buy anyway. Nothing here is too expensive and what else are you going to do with your money? Get an education? Buy food? Give to the poor? Ha! Liquid Ass is much more fun…
Weird, Cool and Generally Stupid Things to Buy Online
- A Gummy Bear anatomy skeleton. I mean, what the fuck?
- A horse head mask. Why? Why the hell not, it’s creepy as hell.
- The Bobcat Mullet, a headband that helps you look like a real man.
- Misfortune Cookies: perfect to give to people you hate, especially if they’re overly sensitive.
- Did you know a penis pump only costs $20? Shit, that’s awesome. You don’t have to use it, obviously, but it’s a cool thing to have just lying around the house.
- Surveillance cameras open up a whole world of terrifying possibilities. At only $26, the 2.4 Ghz Wireless Surveillance System is hard to beat.
- Crossbows are great fun for all the family! The Cobra Self-Cocking Crossbow Pistol shoots steel-tipped bolts at more than 200 feet per second. Yeah, I know, it’s not really a stupid thing to buy online, but it is pure fantastic.
- Big-ass rockets for under $30? I think so…
- Yum yum. Canned Unicorn Meat straight from the nuns at Radiant Farms.
- 1,500 live ladybugs. Seriously.
- Kill Hitler — your way. “Options for victory range from the standard shoot Hitler in the face to the darkest lovecraftian horrors.”
- Most badges — and people who wear badges — are not cool. The Old West Brothel Inspector badge, however, is good. Inspecting brothels full of prostitutes every day? What a great job.
- A thumb piano.
- Got a vampire problem? Then you need some Holy Water from the Jordan River. It’s a total scam, obviously, but who cares? Just don’t tell that to the vampire.
- Need something to read? Or maybe just something to fill up your bookshelf? Even if you don’t read it (which you should), Ass Goblins of Auschwitz has just about the best book title ever.
- I mean, who doesn’t need a Jeff Goldblum custom waterproof shower curtain?
- Woeful wedding? Boring Bar Mitzvah? Clear even the largest rooms quickly with a shot of Liquid Ass.
- You know, some things just make life better. The Sir Perky Bottle Opener is one such thing.
- Complete the look of your luxury bathroom with the $100 Bill Toilet Roll.
- Everyone should own a Jesus costume, whether it’s for lounging round the house, going to parties or just to annoy religious people. According to one happy customer, “My kids love it when I dress up as Jesus and tell them about how they are sinners! Its a great family activity!”
- Are you having trouble attracting men? Don’t worry, just buy some Sex Pheromones For Women. Even more fun, spray your straight male friends with male-attracting pheromones, sit back and enjoy the show.
- There’s nothing wrong with being antisocial — most people are idiots anyway. Let them know the score when they knock at your door with the Go Away Door Mat.
- And if the door mat doesn’t get the message across, stick a Mooning Garden Gnome outside your house just for good measure.
- Feel like dressing up like a total tool? Great! What you need is a Full Body Spandex Suit, available in a variety if puke-inducing colors.
- Everyone loves aliens! Well, everyone except anally-probed abductees. Anyway, what better way to be a total UFO geek than with a 100% genuine Roswell Soil Sample. Yep, 100% genuine. You can almost smell the dead aliens in the dirt. Buy now while stocks last!
Stupid Things to Buy Online: Reader Reviews
That’s it for now, although this list may grow as more stupid things are discovered. If you have purchased any of the above items, please feel free to leave a review below. Be as elaborate as you like. Thanks, and happy shopping!
Awesome website and list. there stupid yet funny.
#17 Liquid Ass
My High School Experience…
1) Destroyed the gym (Evacuated)
2) Destroyed classrooms (Dumb custodians checked ceiling tiles for source and found dead rat, which I’m sure that I killed.)
3) Nearly got expelled. (It’s public school, so who cares?)
4. Made public school a whole lot more fun.
I nearly forgot about it, and I might just buy more to be a jerk out in the real world.
You sound like the coolest guy on the planet! Especially with the name Brian (pure awesomeness in a name)