So you want to buy stupid things online, huh? Excellent. Here are some awesome products that you really don’t need, but you might as well buy something. Nothing here is too expensive and what else are you going to do with your money? Get an education? Buy food? Give to the poor? Ha! Liquid Ass is much more fun…
Stupidly Cool Things to Buy Online for Cheap
- Yep, not just any old helicopter: here we have the Flying F*CK R/C Helicopter. Oh yes, a hovering F*CK for $20, unbeatable. Read StudioKnow’s Flying Fuck review here.
- A horse head mask. Why? Why the hell not, it’s creepy as hell.
- ForkChops: chopsticks, perhaps the stupidest invention of all time, have now been made useful. About time.
- “You will die alone and poorly dressed.” Misfortune Cookies: perfect for people you hate.
- Did you know that a penis pump only costs $20? Shit, that’s awesome. You don’t have to use it, obviously, but it’s a cool thing to have just lying around the house.
- Surveillance cameras open up a whole world of terrifying possibilities. At only $36, the 1.2 Ghz Wireless Surveillance System is hard to beat.
- Crossbows are great fun for all the family! The Cobra Self-Cocking Crossbow Pistol shoots steel-tipped bolts at more than 200 feet per second. Yeah, I know, it’s not really stupid, but it is pure awesomeness.
- Big-ass rockets for under $30? I think so…
- Yum yum. Canned Unicorn Meatstraight from the nuns at Radiant Farms.
- Onion Goggles: indispensible.
- Old-school, classic, timeless: yep, it’s still hard to beat the anarchic fun of the concealed Portable Hand Shock Prank device.
- Most badges — and people who wear badges — are not cool. The Old West Brothel Inspector badge, however, is good. What a great job.
- If there’s snow on the streets but you’ve got a weak throwing arm, it’s time to buy a Snowball Launching Crossbow.
- Got a vampire problem? Then you need some Holy Water. It’s a total sham, obviously, but who cares? Oh, and remember, “Keep out of reach of children.”
- Need something to read? Or maybe just something to fill up your bookshelf? Even if you don’t read it (which you should), Ass Goblins of Auschwitz has just about the best book title ever.
- Some inventions are just so good, it’s a mystery why they’re not more popular. With this Flipper Toilet Seat Lifter, you just press the foot pedal and away you go. In-cred-ib-le.
- Woeful wedding? Boring Bar Mitzvah? Clear even the largest rooms quickly with a shot of Liquid Ass.
- You know, some things just make life better. The Sir Perky Bottle Opener is one such thing.
- Complete the look of your luxury bathroom with the $100 Bill Toilet Roll.
- Everyone should own a Jesus Costume, whether it’s for lounging round the house, going to parties or just for annoy religious people. According to one happy customer, “My kids love it when I dress up as Jesus and tell them about how they are sinners! Its a great family activity!”
- Are you having trouble attracting men? Don’t worry, just buy some Sex Pheromones For Women. Even more fun, spray your straight male friends with male-attracting pheromones, sit back and enjoy the show.
- There’s nothing wrong with being antisocial — most people are idiots anyway. Let them know the score when they knock at your door with the Go Away Door Mat….
- ….and if that doesn’t get the message across, stick a Mooning Garden Gnome outside your house just for good measure.
- Feel like dressing up like a total tool? Great! What you need is a Full Body Spandex Suit, available in a variety if puke-inducing colors.
- Everyone loves aliens! Well, everyone except straight guys who get abducted and anally probed. Anyway, what better way to be a total UFO geek than with a 100% genuine Roswell Soil Sample. Yep, you can almost smell the dead aliens in the dirt. Buy now while stocks last!
Stupid Things to Buy Online: Reader Reviews
That’s it for now, although this list may grow as more stupid things are discovered. If you have purchased any of the above items, please feel free to leave a review below. Be as elaborate as you like. Thanks, and happy shopping!