Christmas… what an ungodly waste of money. No one really wants to spend his or her hard-earned cash on trivial gifts for annoying friends and relatives, so why bother? Keep your cash safe and survive the festive onslaught with our awesome do-it-yourself, totally free Christmas gift ideas.
Name a Star
Stars are great, everybody loves them and there are plenty to go around. For a while now, official star naming services have allowed you to name a star after a friend or relation. How sweet! But why pay?
If you need a gift for a naive, dimwitted or elderly acquaintance, just type out a sheet of info…
“Congratulations! Star N.18555-444, located in the Dogboy System, is now named Aunt Mabel! Your light will shine on for eternity, or at least until the star explodes, killing all life forms within its reach before becoming a black hole of infinite nothingness!”
…put it in an envelope, give the awesomely free Christmas gift to Aunt Mabel, take her outside and say, “Look, auntie! That star up there is named after you!” She’ll be so happy — and you won’t have to spend a dime. Awesome.
Give a Rock
Rocks are natural, environmentally friendly and free. You can find a rock quite easily, maybe on a beach, on a riverbank or in a pile of construction site rubble. Ideally, find a pretty rock with interesting colors or little shiny bits.
Once you have your rock, you need to spruce it up a little. You could paint it, write the recipient’s name on it, or just tie a festive ribbon around it. Whatever, it will be a touching and heartfelt Christmas gift — great as a paperweight or a doorstop and completely free!
If you don’t have any paint or ribbon (don’t buy any — that would be a waste of cash), you could invent an interesting back-story for your rock.
Does your granddad like astronomy? Great, it’s moon rock! Does your slightly idiotic sister love pop music? Nice, give her the rock that Justin Bieber sat on while writing the lyrics for “One Time.” Do you have a Buddhist uncle? Give him the Dalai Lama’s gallstone. Perfect!
Modern art is expensive. It is also complete shit, rarely involves any skill and is incredibly easy to fake. How about giving a reproduction of Kazimir Malevich’s Black Square — all you need is a black piece of paper and… well, that’s it. You can make a frame out of a curtain rail or a few bits of plastic. Stick it all together and voilà — expensive modern art at absolutely no cost and very little effort.
Kids are really stupid; contrary to popular belief, they will happily accept almost any Christmas gift without complaint or anticlimax. The key to success is simple presentation. Why buy little Cousin Timmy the latest Megatronic Death Ship (the one that’s been advertized as the ultimate Christmas gift since July) when you can make something just as cool?
All you need to do is head over to where the rich people (or illegal street racers) park their cars and steal a couple of fancy / pimped-up hubcaps. Stick them together like a sandwich and decorate appropriately (“Megatronic Death Ship II: Genocide”).
When little Cousin Timmy opens the not-so-carefully-wrapped toy, tell him “it’s a limited edition model that no other kids have ever even seen, like never ever ever, seriously, it’s awesome”. As I said earlier, kids are stupid — he’ll be playing with it every day, perhaps even after he discovers porn.
Sports fans are obsessed with the “hallowed turf” of their favorite team’s stadium. Oh, the hallowed turf of Melbourne Cricket Ground! Ah, the hallowed turf of Wembley Stadium! What joy to stand on the hallowed artificial turf of the MetLife Stadium! You get the point, yes?
All you need to do is dig up some grass from your backyard (or your neighbor’s backyard) and put it in an open-topped container. If you need artificial turf, a nighttime visit to your local college football/baseball/hockey field should suffice — few people can tell the difference between cheap artificial turf and the expensive stuff, so chop away.
Once again, straight-faced presentation is vital: “Bro, I love you man, happy Christmas dude, this turf is from the MetLife, it’s like totally hallowed.” Hand over the hallowed turf and watch as your sport-obsessed friend literally creams himself with joy. Cost: zero.
More Homemade Christmas Gift Ideas?
Do you have any more great ideas for free homemade Christmas gifts? If you do, go ahead and share your tight-fisted thoughts with the rest of us! As we all know, Christmas is not really about giving gifts — it’s about eating shit loads of food before getting stupidly drunk and passing out on the floor.