Is my child gifted?

“Is my child gifted? Oh, he must be, he’s so intelligent and creative!” Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on now…

Many parents believe their child is gifted. It’s a natural presumption, but one often based on parental pride rather than the child’s actual ability. By taking our scientifically developed Gifted Child Test (suitable for kids between 4 and 12 years of age), you can prove beyond doubt that your child is indeed gifted, or perhaps just average.

Please use a pen and paper to record your answers, choosing A, B or C. Choose the most appropriate answer, even if it doesn’t fit exactly.

For the sake of brevity, our questions refer to the child as “he” — rest assured that the questions also apply to female children.

Gifted Child Test

When my child is upset, he:

A. Withdraws to his own private space voluntarily, perhaps to read a book
B. Screams and runs around
C. Aggressively seeks out inanimate objects and living creatures with the intent of destroying them and all who rush to their defense

When my child draws pictures, common themes may include:

A. Intricate designs that have no bearing upon reality, but suggest a precise thought process
B. Scenes of family life, the family home, friends and pets
C. Dark clouds, lightning bolts, pentagrams, headless children and dead pets

At school, my child is:

A. Not very popular, but he does have a small selection of best friends, some of whom are imaginary
B. Quite popular and plays well with most other children
C. Popular only because he threatens children who do not submit to his tyrannical playground rules

When my child laughs, he sounds like:

A. A child who appreciates the importance of laughter in an ultimately futile life
B. A regular happy child who laughs at stupid stuff
C. A maniacal imp from the very depths of hell

At night, my child:

A. Wakes occasionally, but only because he is troubled by a complex idea or a puzzle that requires a solution
B. Wakes occasionally after a bad dream, after which he sleeps in my bed
C. Rarely sleeps, preferring to stand at the foot of my bed while staring at me in the moonlight with a strange expression on his face

My child likes to visit:

A. Museums, archeological sites, art galleries and scientific installations
B. MacDonald’s, KFC, ice-cream parlors, toy shops and amusement parks
C. Slaughterhouses, graveyards, brothels and bars

My child has shown great progress with his:

A. Language skills, reading abilities, emotional intelligence and problem solving
B. Eating abilities, crying abilities, whining abilities and sense of humor
C. Weapons training, fire starting, strange ancient languages, talking backwards and levitation

Results: Is My Child Gifted?

Great! Now you can find out if your child is gifted. Write down how many A, B and C answers you had and compare your totals against our scientific categories below. Good luck!

  • Mostly A — Your child is definitely gifted, perhaps even a genius
  • A mix of A and B — Your child is certainly bright and intelligent, but not especially gifted
  • Mostly B — Your child is wonderfully average
  • A mix of B and C — Your child is slightly scary and needs to be watched
  • Mostly C — Your child is diabolical. Please consult your local exorcist at the first possible opportunity