Camping Checklist for People Who Hate Camping

Camping in the wilderness is a great idea, at least in theory. In reality, camping is unpleasant, dirty and boring. That is why humans evolved from cave dwelling savages into neatly trimmed urbanites.

Unfortunately, there may be times when you have to go camping, normally due to family commitments and/or to avoid the wrath of your husband/wife/whatever. By packing all the items featured on the following camping checklist, your experience will be slightly more bearable.


With enough booze and explosives, you too can be a happy camper! (photo © Epiclectic, flickr)

Essential Camping Checklist


Alcohol is the lifeblood of humanity. It’s almost impossible to be bored when you’re drunk, so take enough booze to last your entire expedition. A mix of drinks is good. Take at least a gallon of rum, whisky or vodka and a large keg of beer. Take a crate of wine for the early evenings and a couple of bottles of absinth.


For a weeklong camping trip, you should take at least 1,000 cigarettes (50 packets of 20). It is difficult to buy cigarettes in the wilderness, unless you can find some hillbillies or a group of escaped convicts.

Medical Kit

Pack your medical kit with care — your life may depend on it. Here are the most essential medical items for happy campers:

  • Nicotine patches or gum (in case you run out of cigarettes)
  • Rubbing alcohol (just in case)
  • A massive bag of weed (for medicinal use only)
  • Rolling papers
  • Spare cigarette lighter
  • Novelty adhesive bandages
  • Condoms (for you or the hillbillies/escaped convicts)
  • Lube


Barbequing is one of the few good things about camping. Take a fat-ass barbeque and loads of fire-starting tools (and fuel). Rubbing sticks together to make heat is totally pointless when you can buy a disposable lighter for $0.50. Bring meat in a cool box or hunt and cook a deer or bear.

Adult Entertainment

Unless you’re going camping with a whole load of hot and horny men/women/homosexuals/hippies/ladyboys/whatever, you’re going to need some porn. Due to the lack of internet, you’ll have to resort to old-school magazines. Take at least one for each day (if you also enjoy reading, buy Playboy). Women should take a heavy-duty dildo (for pleasure and for clubbing fish and small animals). Men should take a robust sex doll (for pleasure and for crossing lakes and rivers).


The wilderness can be a dangerous place, so load up on weapons (for protection against bears, lions, bulls, beavers and eagles). Weapons are also fun. Mini-crossbows, blunderbusses, throwing knives and shotguns are excellent for self-defense and great fun too!


Clinical studies show that mindless destruction is one of the most effective ways of relieving boredom (and losing weight). Pack dynamite, fuses and detonators. You can spend hours blowing up trees, cliff faces and other natural features. Dynamite is also great for fishing.

Bug Repellent

If you really have to go camping, pack insect repellent (at least 70% DEET). However, you should seriously reconsider your options if you hear that mosquitoes are common at your intended campsite. In such extreme cases, you can avoid the trip entirely by breaking your own leg, shooting yourself in the foot or throwing yourself down a well.

If you have any further recommendations for our camping checklist, please leave a comment below. Happy camping!

lincoln camping

“Don’t worry, Mr. President. I packed four bottles of brandy, a bag o’ weed and two editions of ‘Confederate Housewives'”

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