Why is My Husband a Jerk?

Jerk husbands are surprisingly common in modern society. Typical traits include a short temper, terrible clothing, potbellies and an addiction to TV. If your husband is a jerk, a douchebag or a total dickhead, read on to find out why.

Your Husband Has Always Been a Jerk

medieval-jerk-husbands

Husbands have been jerks since Medieval times

Men are at their best when wooing women. They are caring, funny and attentive. Very few men actually behave like this on a daily basis. Like peacocks, they flutter their colorful plumage in an attempt to mount the peahen.

A few short hours after copulation, the peahen will begin to notice subtle changes in her mate. The cock is now ambling around in the dirt, pecking at unhealthy foods that lie strewn about the living area. The cock is no longer attentive to the female, and has already begun looking at other birds.

Despite this, the peahen stands by her cock. They marry in Las Vegas, have children and begin to create a life together. If the cock isn’t run over by a car, they will continue along a path of union. This union becomes habitual — it is only later that the peahen realizes that her cock is indeed a total dick. That’s life.

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Assassination

Your Husband Has Only Recently Become a Jerk

It is possible that your husband was once a nice guy. Unlikely, but possible. In this case, something has turned your husband into a jerk. The most common causes are:

  • Wants to bone other women, feels trapped
  • Wants to bone other men, feels frustrated
  • Wants more money, feels powerless
  • Wants more fried chicken, feels hungry
  • Wants a sports car, feels like everyone knows how small his penis really is
  • Wants to return to the womb, feels like he misses his mommy

All of the above, particularly when combined, can turn a regular man into a grumpy, pathetic loser. Pathetic losers always take out their frustration on people close to them, because they know that strangers will not accept such behavior. Strangers will punch them in the nose.

How to Kill Your Husband (and Other Hand

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Threesomes
  • Wife swapping
  • Have an affair
  • Punch him in the nose
  • Buy more fried chicken

  10 comments for “Why is My Husband a Jerk?

  1. Brandon
    April 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Ok, My name is Brandon and this is really sexist, im 14 and this is not intierely true, im guessing you are a lesbean. Due to the fact you obviously have a hatred for men. thank ya

  2. April 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Hmm… interesting. So, young Brandon, if I was to tell you (theoretically speaking) that I am a straight man, what would that make me? A male feminist? A modern male? Full of shit? Just asking…

  3. Chrysse
    June 10, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I love the fact that Brandon hasnt replied lol From wahrt i know of men this is typically the case. I may have a vagina but most of my friends are guys that when their girlfriends come crying about “they dont know why their boyfriend is acting like this” their boyfriend has already told me its one of these things.

  4. Lindy
    August 4, 2012 at 4:49 am

    My husband used to be ok. Now he’s a jerk!
    I am not gay.
    I am not angry.
    I am not full of man-hatred.
    I am fully of hope.
    I don’t think hubby can be anything but an easily-angered and stubborn jerk.
    I’m fed up and ready to leave.
    Got anything to ask me to make me stay? I’d be very interested!

    Soft woman with a soft heart, and fed up.
    Lindy

    • March 1, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      Sorry for not replying to this earlier, Lindy. How did things work out — is he still a jerk?

  5. katie
    November 8, 2012 at 7:57 am

    hi, i would just like to point out that in Brandon’s first comment, he said he was 14, Brandom what on earth does a fourteen year old know about marriage, i mean im 18 and i still have no intentions towards marriage or any idea of a commitment like that, why not just be a kid, twat!

    • March 1, 2013 at 12:37 pm

      Poor little Brandon! Maybe he’s an incredibly wise 14-year-twat?

  6. Cassie
    December 18, 2012 at 1:33 am

    this is hilarious and obviously true! hahahaha

  7. Pea Hen
    December 21, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Ha, hilarious.
    Who would have thought that the realisation my husband had always been a jerk would be so illuminating. And funny.

    Lindy, you and I should turn into lesbeans.

  8. Athena
    August 16, 2014 at 3:04 am

    Bluntly true. Have to then realise…. Keep the cock in its showoff phase…. It should keep him busy…..

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