Why is My Husband a Jerk?

Jerk husbands are surprisingly common in modern society. Typical traits include a short temper, terrible clothing, potbellies and an addiction to TV. If your husband is a jerk, a douchebag or a total dickhead, read on to find out why.

Your Husband Has Always Been a Jerk


Husbands have been jerks since Medieval times

Men are at their best when wooing women. They are caring, funny and attentive. Very few men actually behave like this on a daily basis. Like peacocks, they flutter their colorful plumage in an attempt to mount the peahen.

A few short hours after copulation, the peahen will begin to notice subtle changes in her mate. The cock is now ambling around in the dirt, pecking at unhealthy foods that lie strewn about the living area. The cock is no longer attentive to the female, and has already begun looking at other birds.

Despite this, the peahen stands by her cock. They marry in Las Vegas, have children and begin to create a life together. If the cock isn’t run over by a car, they will continue along a path of union. This union becomes habitual — it is only later that the peahen realizes that her cock is indeed a total dick. That’s life.

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Assassination

Your Husband Has Only Recently Become a Jerk

It is possible that your husband was once a nice guy. Unlikely, but possible. In this case, something has turned your husband into a jerk. The most common causes are:

  • Wants to bone other women, feels trapped
  • Wants to bone other men, feels frustrated
  • Wants more money, feels powerless
  • Wants more fried chicken, feels hungry
  • Wants a sports car, feels like everyone knows how small his penis really is
  • Wants to return to the womb, feels like he misses his mommy

Unsurprisingly, killing husbands is a rather popular literary theme (click image for more)

All of the above, particularly when combined, can turn a regular man into a grumpy, pathetic loser. Pathetic losers always take out their frustration on people close to them, because they know that strangers will not accept such behavior. Strangers will punch them in the nose.

Possible Solutions:

  • Divorce
  • Threesomes
  • Wife swapping
  • Have an affair
  • Punch him in the nose
  • Buy more fried chicken

  20 comments for “Why is My Husband a Jerk?

  1. Brandon
    April 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Ok, My name is Brandon and this is really sexist, im 14 and this is not intierely true, im guessing you are a lesbean. Due to the fact you obviously have a hatred for men. thank ya

  2. April 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Hmm… interesting. So, young Brandon, if I was to tell you (theoretically speaking) that I am a straight man, what would that make me? A male feminist? A modern male? Full of shit? Just asking…

  3. Chrysse
    June 10, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I love the fact that Brandon hasnt replied lol From wahrt i know of men this is typically the case. I may have a vagina but most of my friends are guys that when their girlfriends come crying about “they dont know why their boyfriend is acting like this” their boyfriend has already told me its one of these things.

  4. Lindy
    August 4, 2012 at 4:49 am

    My husband used to be ok. Now he’s a jerk!
    I am not gay.
    I am not angry.
    I am not full of man-hatred.
    I am fully of hope.
    I don’t think hubby can be anything but an easily-angered and stubborn jerk.
    I’m fed up and ready to leave.
    Got anything to ask me to make me stay? I’d be very interested!

    Soft woman with a soft heart, and fed up.

    • March 1, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      Sorry for not replying to this earlier, Lindy. How did things work out — is he still a jerk?

  5. katie
    November 8, 2012 at 7:57 am

    hi, i would just like to point out that in Brandon’s first comment, he said he was 14, Brandom what on earth does a fourteen year old know about marriage, i mean im 18 and i still have no intentions towards marriage or any idea of a commitment like that, why not just be a kid, twat!

    • March 1, 2013 at 12:37 pm

      Poor little Brandon! Maybe he’s an incredibly wise 14-year-twat?

  6. Cassie
    December 18, 2012 at 1:33 am

    this is hilarious and obviously true! hahahaha

  7. Pea Hen
    December 21, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Ha, hilarious.
    Who would have thought that the realisation my husband had always been a jerk would be so illuminating. And funny.

    Lindy, you and I should turn into lesbeans.

  8. Athena
    August 16, 2014 at 3:04 am

    Bluntly true. Have to then realise…. Keep the cock in its showoff phase…. It should keep him busy…..

  9. Tina
    November 7, 2014 at 6:57 am

    Why is everyone being so mean to Brandon? If I was a fourteen year old girl reading about how women were the B word, is that acceptable? Funny, I decided to comment because this article gave me the humor I needed while my husband was being a jerk. I just wanted to know if I was the crazy one or my husband was truly being a jerk. I was going to comment here and say thanks for writing this, I really needed the laugh . Its true that SOME men are like this but not ALL. I know. I’ve been around both types. So to Brandon, Please stay sweet. Grow up and be one of the good guys and just simply care and listen and be understanding of others feelings and you will be rewarded with a women who will treat you like the awesome man you became . If she treats you badly, and that’s possible to folks, then decide if you would need to stay with that person or not. We all just need to love each other. Boys don’t deserve to be put down no more than girls. Brandon, if you are one of the good guys,just realize this article isn’t talking about you, its talking about those that are what the title says.

  10. Noley
    February 22, 2015 at 10:42 pm

    Hahaha :*)
    I too am married to a jerky peacock. But I had the grit to leave him after my daughter was born because the jerkiness reached an intolerable level! So we separated for a year and I dated two or three more jerks and discovered that all men I managed to attract were, in fact, jerks too. So when jerky peacock # one begged to come back, I let him.
    One more baby later, and his jerkiness has broken all records previously set! Should have escaped and joined the other peahens with the lesbian ideas.

    • Sherry Leyba
      October 21, 2015 at 7:20 am

      This is hilarious! U gave me a good laugh this morning and I sure needed it. Hope things work out in the jerk department!!

  11. Michelle
    April 5, 2015 at 1:09 am

    This is hilarious! Thanks! When I searched this I was upset but now I’m laughing! I needed that! This is just true enough to be funny. And just kidding enough to be funny! I love it!

  12. Susie
    June 1, 2015 at 10:39 am

    I LOVE this. My husband has been sick lately and I need your wittiness to put him in his place. The worst remark is” I’m not fussing I’m just talking.” Sheesh! Men!

  13. Sherry Leyba
    October 21, 2015 at 7:24 am

    Hahaha Thank you so much for the hilarious yet truthful look at my Jerk of a husband!! He has been such a total Ass for the last few days I’m ready to start packing!! I really needed the Giggles at his expense hahaha thanks again and keep on writing you Rock!!!

  14. rae
    June 26, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Hahah. This made me laugh and feel much better. My peacock is only a jerk at home. To everyone else he is the sweetest guy ever. Everyone just adores him. I do as well….sometimes. Less often now then a while back. Peacocks do a great job at making sure your day sucks and your as miserable as they are.

  15. Mia
    July 18, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    This is so simple and so true.

  16. gemma
    December 10, 2016 at 11:04 am

    So true. I was so upset when I searched this glad to see I’m not the only one. I’m openly going to say my long term partner is abusive. Has been violent through alcohol in the past now just mentally and financially abusive since I’m at home with his one year old daughter. I’m waiting to try couples counselling and finding it very hard to keep my cool until then. But got to admit it upsets me too knowing he wants someone else. Just wanted to get married get a house then a baby and live with someone that wanted me. Now I just have a baby (most gorgeous light of my life) and an abusive partner that has trapped me at home. This has have me a little humour to allow me to sit in same room as him for about another hour. Maybe I’ll be able to keep it together till our conselling starts. Thanks.

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