Water is humankind’s most precious commodity, along with oil, vodka and chicken. Our 20 ways to conserve water at home, therefore, are vitally important.
Without water, our world will turn into a parched desert, a scorched landscape in which trees, fish and marijuana simply cannot grow (and without water, there would be no soil, which is a whole different kind of tragedy). After only a few days without this vital resource, our bodies shrivel and our organs shut down, after which we cry a single final tear, then puke and die.
Easy Ways to Conserve Water at Home
Protecting water — such a vital life source — is important. In order to help preserve our way of life, StudioKnow has compiled 20 ways to conserve water at home. Please help us conserve the world’s water supply, or accept the fact that you are contributing to the extinction of billions, if not quadrillions, of living, breathing things.
1. Wash Naturally
Before the invention of buckets and plumbing, humans showered in the rain or washed themselves in rivers and lakes. In Africa and Arabia, nomads shower in hot and tangy camel piss, just like the biblical Three Wise Men during their journey to visit the Baby Jesus. You can do the same, so why waste tap water?
2. Snort Coffee, Eat Tea
According to facts, humans consume 12,001,368 cups of tea and coffee globally each day! Just think how much water that uses! Conserve water by snorting coffee instead of drinking it, and eat tea bags straight out of the box (a little bit of butter helps them go down).
3. Lick Your Plate After Eating
Washing dishes wastes a shit load of water, especially if you leave the tap running. In Medieval times, people simply licked their plates clean after each meal, if they even used plates at all. Licking is an incredibly effective plate-washing method, and it’s great fun too!
4. Turn Your Garden into a Desert
Do you have a garden? Do you water it weekly or even daily? Murderer! You may be keeping your roses healthy, but you are killing the planet. Stop wasting water on your garden and turn it into a desert. Decorate with rocks, gnomes and sun-bleached bones. And maybe a cactus.
5. Wash Your Car the Way God Intended
This is one of the most obvious and easy ways to conserve water at home. There’s no point washing your car with tap water. Simply drive your vehicle into the nearest ocean, lake, river or public swimming pool. Leave completely submerged for five minutes, after which your car will be thoroughly clean. Remember to shut your windows.
6. Share a Shower With Your Hot Eco-Friendly Neighbor
Do you have a hot neighbor who you’d love to see naked? Is he or she an eco-warrior? Great! Go round to his or her house, maybe with a few beers or a cake, and explain how you are trying to conserve water at home. Tell him or her that you’d like to save water by showering (or bathing) together occasionally. Awesome.
7. Eat the Fish in Your Fish Tank
Fish tanks are cool, especially tropical ones with crazy evil-looking fish from like Vietnam or somewhere. However, it is an unnecessary waste of water (unless it’s located in a dentist’s waiting room, in which case a fish tank is obligatory).
If you have a fish tank, eat all the little fishes then use the water for more important things. Use the empty tank to house an ant colony. Ants don’t drink water; they only drink lemonade and beer.
8. Become a Vampire
Vampires think water is for wimps (except for Holy Water, which is for priests, exorcists and vampire hunters). They prefer to drink and bathe in blood, making them incredibly eco-friendly in their own little way. If you become a vampire, you will certainly help conserve water.
9. Destroy Fountains
Fountains are a damned disgrace, spewing out water for aesthetic reasons alone. Destroy them: destroy them all.
10. Replace Your Child’s Water Pistol with a Mini Crossbow
Water pistols should be outlawed because they waste so much water. Mini crossbows, on the other hand, should be handed out in schools as a replacement. They use no water, they are great fun and you can take down a deer or a wild boar at a distance, which is handy in a survival situation such as the end of the world.
11. Don’t Breed
Simple, really: More people means more wasted water. Abstain, wear a Jimmy Hat or adopt.
12. Don’t Water the Lawn When You’re Stoned
The International Society for Statistics and Stuff (ISSS) recently found that stoned test subjects used 206% more water than sober subjects when watering a lawn. The stoned subjects would look at clouds, trees and passing titties while watering, greatly increasing the task/time/water ratio. And that = WASTE.
13. Flush Your Toilet Once a Week
The Cranberries famously asked the question: “Do you have to let it linger?” Well, no, you don’t, but it sure does save water. Flush your toilet no more than once a week. If the smell becomes unbearable, poor something flammable into the mix and set the whole damned lot on fire.
14. Turn Your Swimming Pool into an Air Raid Shelter
Swimming pools are an unnecessary luxury, unless you are Hugh Hefner. Add value to your property by converting your pool into an air raid shelter. Once built, stock it with canned beans, beef jerky, beer and porn.
15. Petition Your Government to Spend More Money on Deep Space Ice Retrieval
Our galaxy is home to loads of ice. Big chunks of it are just floating around, waiting to solve all our water needs. Write a letter to your government demanding the immediate implementation of deep space ice retrieval. Alternatively, join the Illuminati and use your influence from “within.”
16. Use Nutrient-Rich Bong Water on Your Lawn
Don’t waste that shit! Poor bong water on your lawn or plants and watch as things bloom into wonderfulness. Bong water is high in nutrients, amino acids and vitamin B12, making it ideal for stimulating plant growth.
Bong image by Long Boy, Wikimedia Commons.
17. Hurl Abuse at Your Neighbor When He Waters His Lawn
Most people hate their neighbors. If you see your neighbor wasting water, start screaming at him or her. Try this: “Murderer! Planet killer! You should be ashamed!”
18. Shave Your Head and Other Areas
Every time you shower, your hair demands attention (unless you are a Rastafarian or whatever, in which case you just let it fester). By shaving off all your hair, you can be in and out of the shower in seconds. Shave your head, your back, your balls, your beaver, your legs, your eyebrows and your ass crack.
19. Don’t Screw in the Shower
It may be fun, but screwing in the shower is a big waste of water. Ignore this tip if you suffer from premature ejaculation, in which case you’ll be in and out in no time, literally.
20. Crap in the Woods Like a Bear
Animals don’t need ceramic bowls to crap in, and neither do humans. One of the best ways to conserve water at home is to crap in the woods like a bear. Alternatively, crap in a neighbor’s potted plants (like a cat).
More Easy Ways to Conserve Water at Home?
If you have any more ideas for easy ways to conserve water at home, please add them in the comments box below. The world will love you for it.