Do you sometimes wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “I’m a really terrible person?” Maybe you got drunk and crashed your mother’s car the previous night. Perhaps you guillotined a gerbil just to pass the time. These things happen, but sometimes enough is enough. Just by reading the following advice, you will already be half way on your journey to becoming a better person in life.
Steps to Becoming a Better Person in Life
There are plenty of things you can do to become a better person. The following, however, are some key areas that everyone can focus upon. Good luck, friends!
- Try to be kind – During social interactions, your natural instinct may be to mock and ridicule your peers. Sometimes, you may also feel the need to karate chop them in the throat. Try to tone things down a little. Accept that 87 percent of people are stupid, ignorant and selfish – accept them, or ignore them completely.
- Befriend a friendless person – There are many friendless people in this world. Try to befriend one of them. Try a homeless or poor person. They are surprisingly good drinking companions.
- Masturbate more – You probably already choke the chicken on a regular basis, but by increasing your output, you will decrease your angst. Scientists have proven that a regular one-handed release is good for the soul. Just look at Simon Cowell.
- Renounce religion – Religious people are tied up in a ridiculous web of lies. If you are religious, now’s a good time to move on. Renounce religion and become a better and more interesting person.
- Don’t force people to do things – No-one likes a pushy person. If your friends don’t want to play Russian roulette at the weekend, try to organize a different activity that everyone can enjoy. Consider strip poker or joyriding.
- Lie more – People will never, ever say stuff about you like “Hey, you really have to meet ______, he’s a really great person” if you always tell the truth. Honesty is not the best policy, because people can’t handle the truth. For example, when the person you are banging asks, “did you miss me?” just smile and say yes.
- Go green – In this day and age, you really must help save the planet. Recycling your own stuff is a pain in the ass, but you can always buy recycled products. Carry your alcohol in a recycled paper bag rather than a plastic bag. Refuse imprisonment in any holding cell or prison if the electricity used is not 100 percent renewable.
- Go organic, buy local – Support your community and improve your health by buying organic products grown locally. Buy pure, chemical-free weed grown by a kid in your own neighborhood. Buy moonshine rather than imported liquor made by dirty foreigners.
- Pass on your knowledge – Even if you are a total idiot, you probably have some skills that you can teach to others. Do you know how to hotwire a car? Share it! Do you know how to break a concrete block with your head? Teach the kids! People love learning stuff, and will love you for teaching them.
The Benefits of Being a Better Person
Now that you are on your way to becoming a better person, you can reap the rewards of your new personality. Try becoming a Life Coach – those assholes earn tons of cash by teaching dimwits stuff that anyone with half a brain knows anyway. Yep, being a better person is great – just make sure no-one finds out what you’re really like.
Do you have any great tips for becoming a better person? Maybe you have some questions? Go ahead, leave a comment below and we can all work together to become wiser, healthier and better people.