When I first came across an advert for Life Technology’s Tesla Shield, I was both intrigued and skeptical. Does the Tesla Shield work, I wondered, or is it just another scam? I had a look at the Tesla Shield website, and was immediately struck by the manufacturer’s claims.
Using technology previously developed by famous electrical engineer and inventor Nikola Tesla, the small device was supposed to provide “powerful and advanced transformational technology for mind, body and soul.”
As I was in the midst of a mid-life crisis (combined with an intense fear of alien abduction), I decided to purchase the Tesla Shield, a small device that can be worn about the neck. The following is an account of my one-week testing of the Tesla Shield device.
Tesla Shield – Day One: EMF Protection
Today (a Sunday), I decided to test the Tesla Shield against EMF radiation. According to the Life Technology website, the shield offers protection against harmful electromagnetic radiation. I used my wife as a control subject, sending her picnicking in the countryside with her best friend, Big Jim (away from all EMF sources)
I, meanwhile, spent the day subjecting myself to EMF radiation (with the Tesla Shield safely hanging from a string around my neck). I started the day by taping two cellular phones to my head. I then spent one hour hugging the microwave oven (on maximum setting) while playing PlayStation. I then drove to the nearby transformer substation. I climbed the security fence and spent four hours sat on top of the main transformer (where I shaved using my electric shaver).
It was dark when I returned home. My wife returned shortly afterwards. Interestingly, I was feeling surprisingly well despite my day of exposure. My wife, however, was feeling particularly tired. It was only when I suggested making love that she revealed she had “a terrible headache.” She is now sleeping – it seems that the Tesla Shield offered a surprising level of protection, especially when compared to the control subject’s status.
Tesla Shield – Day Two: Inner Peace
Today (Monday) was the perfect opportunity to test Life Technology’s claims of enhanced inner peace using the Tesla Shield. Let me first state that I hate my job. It is a typical cubicle job, mundane and colorless. I am also subjected to bullying from coworkers and my boss, Gustav. I made a checklist of Tesla Shield claims and noted my observations at 4:49 pm, shortly before leaving the workplace:
- “Heals, strengthens and protects mind, body and soul” – I felt strong today. Gustav’s mocking did not affect me as much as usual. I even refuse to polish his shoes. The Tesla Shield seems to work.
- “Balances and enhances the biophysical energy field” – I do not fully understand this claim. I took a photo of myself using my cubicle webcam; no energy fields noted.
- “Promotes mental clarity, focus and concentration” – I was more focused today than normal. I managed to raise my Spider Solitaire success percentage by two percent. Impressive.
- “Promotes a sense of balance and centeredness” – Jackie tried to trip me again today as I walked past her cubicle. I recovered gracefully without even using my hands.
- “Promotes feelings of love, joy, peace and happiness” – No notable change. I was not happy at work, but I did enjoy my lunch break in the parking lot.
- “Helps you become relaxed, harmonious, peaceful and calm” – I was calm today, much more so than normal. Garry put salt in my coffee again. I just smiled at him and made a second cup.
- “Neutralizes disharmonious or negative energies” – A definite increase in overall harmony.
- “Clears negative energies of cosmic or telluric origin” – I Googled “telluric;” it means coming from the Earth rather than from space. Cosmic and telluric negative energies did seem to be slightly cleared.
Tesla Shield – Day Three: Blockages, Healing and Awareness
I went to work again today, intent on testing some of the Tesla Shield’s other properties, namely healing, increased awareness and releasing blockages.
Sadly, the Tesla Shield did not seem to have a great effect. According to Life Technology, the shield “awakens and enhances psychic and healing abilities.” I ran a series of psychic prediction tests and a number of healing attempts. The following results were the most notable, despite an overall lack of success:
- Guessing what my wife had included within my packed lunch: FAIL. Of the standard four items, I only guessed one correctly (apple).
- Predicting the time at which the photocopier would run out of paper: FAIL. I was off by precisely 97 minutes.
- Laying hands on Barbara (temp) in order to cure her migraine: FAIL. She reported no signs of improvement.
- Curing Jessica’s gout (tech dept.): FAIL.
Both women later reported me to Gustav, claiming sexual harassment. He has suspended me from work for a week. The Tesla Shield should “expand consciousness and awareness” – had it done, I would like to think that I would have been able to avoid the suspension (pending investigation). Result: FAIL.
The only positive from today was the releasing of blockages. Prior to today, I had been experiencing stomach pains due to constipation. At precisely 3:52 pm, I shed an impressive load in the cafeteria toilet. Physically, I am feeling great.
Tesla Shield – Day Four: Strength, Energy and Alien Abduction
Having no work commitments today, I tested a second set of Tesla Shield claims, most of which are physical in nature. I made a list of claims from the Life Technology website and set off on a brisk cross-country trek. Here are my notes:
- “Rapid revitalization of the organism” – (10:20 am) I have just pushed myself to the limit with a series of three consecutive sprints of approximately 50 yards each. I vomited after the third, completely exhausted. It is difficult to gauge the revitalization of my organism, but I am now feeling okay after just 43 minutes of rest.
- “Diminishes fatigue and tiredness” – (1:11 pm) I am still walking. I am not sure where I am, but I have covered a great distance. My current lack of fatigue is impressive.
- “Enhances physical strength and stamina” – (2:37 pm) I am now convinced that the Tesla Shield is working. I have never walked so far in my life – my stamina is inspiring. Furthermore, I have just completed a strength test. I encountered a large boulder in a stream, by all appearances too heavy to lift. Undaunted, I managed to lift the boulder a full inch off the ground. I am beginning to feel unbreakable.
- “Energizes food and water” – (2:58 pm) I have just added water to a noodle-based potted snack that I packed prior to leaving. Unfortunately, my assumption that the snack could be heated using the Tesla Shield was incorrect. I was unable to energize the food or the water. Having packed no other supplies, I forced myself to eat the cold and crunchy noodles.
I reached a small village at approximately 5: 20 pm, whereupon I took the bus home. Surprisingly, the journey took only 15 minutes. I continued my testing at home:
- “Retards aging” – I was unable to test this claim. Neither my wife nor I are on speaking terms with any retards. I do not believe there are any in my neighborhood.
- “Acts as a 24/7 passive psychic shield” – When I arrived home, I encountered my wife and her friend, Big Jim, on the couch. I asked them both to guess where I had been all day, a cunning test of the Tesla Shield’s effectiveness at blocking the subliminal probing of my memories. My wife guessed “at work,” completely forgetting that Gustav had suspended me. Big Jim’s guess was “Over at your boyfriend’s house playing with dolls?” Again, a total shielding of my true activities. Presumably, the device can also protect me from alien abduction through the blocking of intrusive probing.
- “Improves sleep” – I am about to go to bed. I shall record the quality of my slumber when I awake (note: it is now 7.12 am on the following day. I am pleased to report that I slept incredibly well. I did not visit the bathroom once during the night.)
Tesla Shield – Day Five: Divinity
I am not a particularly religious man, so the Tesla Shield’s spiritual powers are somewhat hard to test. However, I spent much of today trying to pray, meditate and manifest. Sadly, I noticed no increased connection to the “Divine Source,” a claim made by Life Technology. Furthermore, my attempts at astral projection, lucid dreaming, ascension and synchronicity were all disappointing.
I probably just need to practice and learn more about these procedures. I also tried to stimulate my third eye chakra, but I think I may have been doing something wrong. It was a wholly unpleasant experience.
Tesla Shield – Day Six: Pets, Plants and My Wife
The Tesla Shield is supposed to be “suitable for adults and children of any age.” Today, therefore, I decided to let others try the shield. I have no children myself, so I gave the Tesla Shield to my neighbor’s child, Ralph. Ralph is a shy boy, and today he went to a friend’s birthday party. When he returned, he informed me that the Tesla Shield did not work.
Apparently, he drowned his friend’s new kitten in order to bring it back to life using the device. He failed, blaming me for the trouble it caused. His father also told me, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from his entire family. Overall, not a great success.
Later, I gave the Tesla Shield to my wife. She had arranged to go to tango classes with Big Jim, so she took the device with her. Upon her return, she informed me that it was a great device, very smooth and just the right size. Slightly cryptically, Big Jim told me it was the best butt-plug he had ever used. I am not sure what he meant, but both reactions were undeniably positive. Big Jim gave me back the Tesla Shield – I placed it around my neck immediately, instantly feeling a surge of energy.
The device is supposedly “beneficial for pets, animals and plants”, so I tested the shield on my cat, Willow. Willow was not impressed, first hissing at the device before calmly walking away. No significant effects noted.
Tesla Shield – Day Seven: Pendulum Uses
Today is my final day of Tesla Shield review. According to Life Technology, the shield can be used as a pendulum with four distinct functions:
As a pendulum in chakra and aura balancing
As a transmitter pendulum in distant healing
As a tuning pendulum in radionics
As a pendulum for radiesthesia and dowsing
Sadly, I am unfamiliar with these types of pendulum usage. I did try dowsing, but with little success. I spent six hours in a nearby meadow, but failed to detect any sources of water, oil, precious metals, gemstones or Ley lines. I did find a hubcap from a Buick Skyhawk.
Does the Tesla Shield Work?
I am aware that some people have labeled the Life Technology Tesla Shield a scam. I am happy to report that I am not one of those people. My week of testing had its ups and downs, but overall I have been deeply impressed with the Tesla Shield’s powers. I am feeling strong, healthy and centered – my wife also seems to be in a particularly good mood.
I still feel that I have yet to experience the full powers of the Tesla Shield, so I am confident that the best is yet to come. In conclusion, I would certainly give the device my seal of approval, despite the high cost. Thank you, Life Technology, for creating the Tesla Shield and reinvigorating my life. Furthermore, I no longer live in fear of alien abduction.