This is the kind of image that makes you want to read Twilight of the Idols before clubbing yourself to death. Photo by Kevin Aranibar of Kerosene Photography, Wikimedia Commons.
If you’re looking for a refreshingly short Justin Bieber biography, then you’ve come to the right place.
Justin Bieber, in case you really have no idea, is an annoying little sissy boy who became famous due to some strange quirk of fate. Well, he can sing like an angel, which helped. And he’s pretty, apparently.
But if you’re the kind of person that reads books voluntarily, likes good music and can drink a bottle of whisky in one night, then you probably don’t like Justin Bieber and probably know very little about Justin Bieber’s life. Well here you go…
Who the Hell is Justin Bieber Anyway?
Justin Bieber (1994–) was born and raised in Ontario, which explains a lot. His mother, the awesomely named Pattie Mallette, forced out her little bundle of joy when she was just 18. Bieber’s great-grandfather was German. That also explains a lot.
The young Bieber enjoyed playing hockey like a girl, playing soccer with girls, and playing chess on his own. His musical talents developed rapidly, and he was soon annoying all the cool waster kids with his mastery of the piano, drums, guitar and trumpet. Christ, that must have been annoying.
Soon, the awesomely-named Pattie Mallette started making videos of the little shit and posting then on YouTube. She has a lot to answer for.
Due to the millions of stupid young girls and weird, slightly dangerous men who use YouTube, Bieber started to get himself some fans. From a “state of humanity” point of view, it was all downhill from there.
The Start of Justin Bieber’s Career
The stupidly named Scooter Braun also has a lot to answer for. This guy, a former marketing executive for some shitty record label, stumbled across Bieber on YouTube.
Anyway, this was in 2007, and suddenly all kinds of shitheads were getting involved, jostling for position and degrading the human race with monotonous shit. Usher had something to do with it all, so you know what that means. A load of old balls.
Bieber’s first single, “One Time”, was absolute crap. His first album, My World, was even worse because it was longer. Stupid young girls started buying this bullshit with their pocket money, fueling some kind of chain reaction that launched Bieber into the goddamned stratosphere. He became, officially, a star.
He even sang for Barack Obama and Michelle at the White House, for god’s sake. Then he took part in a remake of “We Are the World”.
Excuse me while I yawn, puke and hang myself.
This is Bieber in 2014 after being arrested in Miami Beach, Florida, for driving under the influence and resisting arrest.
The Unavoidable Second Bieber Album
Somehow, Bieber got his oh-so-inevitable first acting role in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. This was in 2010, a difficult time for Bieber because his voice was beginning to crack and he started sounding less like a little angel.
But before his angelic voice potentially disappeared forever, Bieber released his second studio album, “Under the Mistletoe.” Yeah, he released a fucking Christmas album in November 2011. What. A. Shit.
With his voice threatening to break, Bieber and his avaricious associates were worried. Maybe he’d have to learn to sing like a man rather than a whiny little girl? Unfortunately, Bieber’s voice never broke, not properly, and he still sings like a whiny little girl.
Justin Bieber went on to release two more studio albums. They were both awful. I guess he’ll release a fifth sometime.
The Justin Bieber Biography Up to the Present Day (2017)
There’s not much more to say really. A few stupid scandals, controversies and arrests, but none of them cool enough to salvage Bieber’s reputation.
Everyone in the United Kingdom pretty much hates him because he’s a twat.
He hasn’t made any babies and hasn’t boned Britney yet as far as I know. He did, however, slip one in to Selena Gomez, which is probably the most admirable thing he’s ever done.
Oh, by the way, Bieber is a practicing Christian. Well there’s a big surprise.
Personally, if I was stuck on a desert island with Justin Bieber, I’d smash my own head in with a coconut.
Happy Valentines Day, my darling. I hope you are well and in good spirits. Love and kisses xxxoooxxx
i love hem aaaaaaaaaaaaaa love i said
Justin is just another wannabe that unfortunately has become popular with teenage girls for some odd reason. At 15 yrs. of age, he is spewing songs of love? Sorry pal, try something original and perhaps gain some yrs. under your belt before even approaching the unoriginal topic of ‘love’.
It seems that a gentle feminine appearance is in vogue. He looks like a complete tool, not to mention whoever made popular the hair combed forward look, should have their head examined. There is nothing even remotely masculine about Justin Bieber. Really a disgrace to Canadians. I bow my head in shame, haha.
Yours is the first sane comment posted here yet, congradualations!
this website is rubbish what the hell man you guyz are making the mick out of justin bieber what the hell is your lots problem why do you guyz call hime a girl when you KNow that HE IS NOT A GIRL a boy like normal biys but much better hotter fitter famouser sexier than a normal guy so shut the fuck up to those who are agianst him
calling him ugly wont make you beautifull
calling him a girl wont make you a better person
calling him stupid wont make you smart
calling him dumb wont make you clever
YOU GUYZ READING THIS MUST BE THINKING WHY I AM GIVING THIS LECTURE BUT THIS LECTURE IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE AGAINST JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!!
so next time you say do write think anything bad about justin bieber just think 100 times before you do beacuse THINK what has he done to you for no reason you guyz are against him and anywayz HE IS BETTER THAN YOU
THIS IS FOR THE UGLY MEAN THICK STUPID HATERS WHY DONT YOU JUST FUKIN THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN FAT UGLY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!1
You wonder why we does this? For shits and giggles. To troll all the little teenage girls. Because It. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.
Plus we all just hate the little douche.
Hi Crazy 4 Bieber,
Thanks for the comment; it’s always good to have a second opinion on these matters. Maybe Bieber himself is a great guy, it’s just that the universe itself is wrong. By the way, I decided to delete your second comment as it wasn’t quite as elegant as the one above (and I suspect that neither I nor readers of this article would do such things to their fathers or mothers, mainly because it’s illegal in most parts of the world).
Thanks again.
Ridiculou. I read MANY books voluntarily. Had straight A’s my whole life. Am now a mom of 2, but they are too young to know much… It’s my choice to love him.
His mom was 15 when she had him, you were wrong. He grew up in a far suburb of Ontario, Wrong again. Also, he doesn’t ‘claim’ to love anymore than Eminem ‘claims’ to murder. It’s either written for him or creative writing. Did you never have a crush or creatively written??? If not, why do you even have this liberty to write on here??
Also, it has gotten out of control, but unlike the other kids his age, he has nothing OFFENSIVE or dirty. Even kid movies can’t claim that, and his talent, whether or not you like him is evident in his guitar and drumming.
Stop hating on a kid because you don’t like the IDEA of him. People love him kids, parents. He is doing what he can on gettin lucky. And stop making up things (any moron writing an article who can google! knows his mom was younger than 18 i.e….) And allow one of the few pur things our kids have left to like innocently!
And with all of this nice talk and ‘innocence’ being said.. FUCK YOUUUU 🙂
Hi Mandy, great feedback, thanks. Congratulations on the book reading. I got all my facts from Wikipedia, which is a very unreliable source (as everyone knows), but I wasn’t really bothered.
I have done some creative writing in the past, mainly on my resume and other official documents. I have had a large number of crushes too, at least until the age of 14. Then I replaced crushes with lust and alcohol.
I was innocent once. It was really boring. Hopefully Bieber will remain innocent, because as soon as he does something ‘normal’ the whole world will come down on him like a ton of bricks and we’ll have to see even more of him in the press. Poor little bugger.
Thanks again, have a nice day!
I thought that biography of Justin Bieber was pretty accurate, and I learn everything from Wikipedia. it’s the go to site for knowledge you know. Well I was a teen girl once and I thought Justin Bieber sucked then,and I’m pretty sure he’s still sucking MORE now even with all the tattoos,hanging out with rappers, smoking pot (ain’t nothing wrong with smokin a little GREEN), and lashing out at the paparazzi that are just trying to take pictures for all the screaming teen girls and there screaming teen parents evidently. Oh but he’s still innocent I’m sure. So parents keep buying the Justin Bieber lunch boxes for your kids. Maybe it comes with a free G of that green stuff inside? You probably need it if you get that offended. 🙂
Justin Bieber is a fuckin super star without any doubt.. Love him sooo much..
To bad I’m dead. I love the idea of try some new brand of lube with him, er, I mean perform with him.
i just love the guy
Da guy is hot man