Justin Bieber Biography for Adults

Justin Bieber is an annoying little sissy boy who has become famous due to some strange quirk of fate. If you are the type of person that reads books voluntarily, likes good music and can drink a bottle of whisky in one night, you may be wondering who the hell Justin Bieber is. You’ve probably heard of him, that’s sadly inevitable, but this refreshingly brief biography will help you fill in the gaps.

oh-god-justin-bieber-2011

That’s the kind of image that makes you want to read Twilight of the Idols before clubbing yourself to death

Who the Hell is Justin Bieber Anyway?

Bieber (1994–) was born and raised in Ontario, which explains a lot. His mother, the awesomely named Pattie Mallette, forced out her little bundle of joy at the age of 18. Bieber’s great-grandfather was German. Exactly.

The young Bieber enjoyed playing hockey like a girl, soccer with girls, and chess. His musical talents developed rapidly, and he was soon annoying all the cool waster kids with his mastery of the piano, drums, guitar and trumpet. Christ.

Soon, the awesomely named Mallette started making videos of the little shit and posting then on YouTube. What a bitch. Due to the millions of stupid young girls and weird, slightly dangerous men who use YouTube, Bieber started to get himself some fans. From a “state of humanity” point of view, it was all downhill from there.

Bieber’s Career Takes Off

Justin Bieber Singing Doll - ?Baby?

The stupidly named Scooter Braun has a lot to answer for. This guy, a former marketing executive for some shitty record label, stumbled across Bieber on YouTube. Right… Anyway, this was in 2007, and suddenly all kinds of shitheads were getting involved, jostling for position and otherwise degrading the human race with monotonous shit. Usher had something to do with it all, so you know what that means. A load of old balls.

His first single, “One Time”, was absolute crap. His first album, My World, was even worse because it was longer. Stupid young girls started buying this junk with their pocket money, fuelling some kind of chain reaction that launched Bieber into the goddamned stratosphere. He became, officially, a star.

Get this: he sang for Barack Obama and Michelle at the White House and then took part in a remake of “We Are the World”. Excuse me while I yawn, puke and hang myself.

The Unavoidable Second Bieber Album

Somehow, Bieber got his oh-so-inevitable first acting role in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. This was in 2010, a difficult time for Bieber because his voice was beginning to crack.

Of course, this meant that he would have to learn to sing like a man rather than a whiny little girl. Unfortunately, he still sings like a whiny little girl. I think he released a second album, but I’m not sure. He will eventually.

Justin Bieber Biography 2011

There’s not much more to say really. No scandals, no babies, hasn’t boned Britney yet as far as we know. What a pointless bore. Oh, by the way, Bieber is a practicing Christian. Well there’s a big surprise. Christ. What a shit biography.

Bieber Bio Update for 2015

Since 2011, Bieber has grown physically but withered mentally. Most people now actively dislike him, mainly because he keeps on acting like a total tool. I doubt things will improve in 2015, and I really no longer care.

Photo Credits:

Horrific blue cardigan image by Kevin Aranibar of Kerosene Photography (Wikimedia Commons).

Annoying image by Heather Sokol (Wikimedia Commons)

  14 comments for “Justin Bieber Biography for Adults

  1. Tracy Gardiner
    February 14, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Happy Valentines Day, my darling. I hope you are well and in good spirits. Love and kisses xxxoooxxx

  2. hannah
    March 9, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    i love hem aaaaaaaaaaaaaa love i said

  3. FlushItDown
    June 5, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Justin is just another wannabe that unfortunately has become popular with teenage girls for some odd reason. At 15 yrs. of age, he is spewing songs of love? Sorry pal, try something original and perhaps gain some yrs. under your belt before even approaching the unoriginal topic of ‘love’.
    It seems that a gentle feminine appearance is in vogue. He looks like a complete tool, not to mention whoever made popular the hair combed forward look, should have their head examined. There is nothing even remotely masculine about Justin Bieber. Really a disgrace to Canadians. I bow my head in shame, haha.

    • Forbe
      December 8, 2011 at 1:24 am

      Yours is the first sane comment posted here yet, congradualations!

  4. crazy 4 bieber
    June 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    this website is rubbish what the hell man you guyz are making the mick out of justin bieber what the hell is your lots problem why do you guyz call hime a girl when you KNow that HE IS NOT A GIRL a boy like normal biys but much better hotter fitter famouser sexier than a normal guy so shut the fuck up to those who are agianst him
    calling him ugly wont make you beautifull
    calling him a girl wont make you a better person
    calling him stupid wont make you smart
    calling him dumb wont make you clever
    YOU GUYZ READING THIS MUST BE THINKING WHY I AM GIVING THIS LECTURE BUT THIS LECTURE IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE AGAINST JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!!
    so next time you say do write think anything bad about justin bieber just think 100 times before you do beacuse THINK what has he done to you for no reason you guyz are against him and anywayz HE IS BETTER THAN YOU

    THIS IS FOR THE UGLY MEAN THICK STUPID HATERS WHY DONT YOU JUST FUKIN THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN FAT UGLY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    • Forbe
      December 8, 2011 at 1:22 am

      You wonder why we does this? For shits and giggles. To troll all the little teenage girls. Because It. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.

      Plus we all just hate the little douche.

  5. June 27, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Hi Crazy 4 Bieber,

    Thanks for the comment; it’s always good to have a second opinion on these matters. Maybe Bieber himself is a great guy, it’s just that the universe itself is wrong. By the way, I decided to delete your second comment as it wasn’t quite as elegant as the one above (and I suspect that neither I nor readers of this article would do such things to their fathers or mothers, mainly because it’s illegal in most parts of the world).

    Thanks again.

  6. Mandy
    July 17, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Ridiculou. I read MANY books voluntarily. Had straight A’s my whole life. Am now a mom of 2, but they are too young to know much… It’s my choice to love him.

    His mom was 15 when she had him, you were wrong. He grew up in a far suburb of Ontario, Wrong again. Also, he doesn’t ‘claim’ to love anymore than Eminem ‘claims’ to murder. It’s either written for him or creative writing. Did you never have a crush or creatively written??? If not, why do you even have this liberty to write on here??

    Also, it has gotten out of control, but unlike the other kids his age, he has nothing OFFENSIVE or dirty. Even kid movies can’t claim that, and his talent, whether or not you like him is evident in his guitar and drumming.

    Stop hating on a kid because you don’t like the IDEA of him. People love him kids, parents. He is doing what he can on gettin lucky. And stop making up things (any moron writing an article who can google! knows his mom was younger than 18 i.e….) And allow one of the few pur things our kids have left to like innocently!

    And with all of this nice talk and ‘innocence’ being said.. FUCK YOUUUU 🙂

  7. July 18, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Hi Mandy, great feedback, thanks. Congratulations on the book reading. I got all my facts from Wikipedia, which is a very unreliable source (as everyone knows), but I wasn’t really bothered.

    I have done some creative writing in the past, mainly on my resume and other official documents. I have had a large number of crushes too, at least until the age of 14. Then I replaced crushes with lust and alcohol.

    I was innocent once. It was really boring. Hopefully Bieber will remain innocent, because as soon as he does something ‘normal’ the whole world will come down on him like a ton of bricks and we’ll have to see even more of him in the press. Poor little bugger.

    Thanks again, have a nice day!

    • I was a teen girl once
      September 12, 2013 at 7:25 am

      I thought that biography of Justin Bieber was pretty accurate, and I learn everything from Wikipedia. it’s the go to site for knowledge you know. Well I was a teen girl once and I thought Justin Bieber sucked then,and I’m pretty sure he’s still sucking MORE now even with all the tattoos,hanging out with rappers, smoking pot (ain’t nothing wrong with smokin a little GREEN), and lashing out at the paparazzi that are just trying to take pictures for all the screaming teen girls and there screaming teen parents evidently. Oh but he’s still innocent I’m sure. So parents keep buying the Justin Bieber lunch boxes for your kids. Maybe it comes with a free G of that green stuff inside? You probably need it if you get that offended. 🙂

  8. Emmanuel
    October 26, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Justin Bieber is a fuckin super star without any doubt.. Love him sooo much..

  9. Ghost of Michael Jackson
    January 8, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    To bad I’m dead. I love the idea of try some new brand of lube with him, er, I mean perform with him.

  10. jacob juma
    January 24, 2012 at 6:20 am

    i just love the guy

  11. Manisher John
    June 5, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Da guy is hot man

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