Justin Bieber is an annoying little sissy boy who has become famous due to some strange quirk of fate. If you are the type of person that reads books voluntarily, likes good music and can drink a bottle of whisky in one night, you may be wondering who the hell Justin Bieber is. You’ve probably heard of him, that’s sadly inevitable, but this refreshingly brief biography will help you fill in the gaps.
Who the Hell is Justin Bieber Anyway?
Bieber (1994–) was born and raised in Ontario, which explains a lot. His mother, the awesomely named Pattie Mallette, forced out her little bundle of joy at the age of 18. Bieber’s great-grandfather was German. Exactly.
The young Bieber enjoyed playing hockey like a girl, soccer with girls, and chess. His musical talents developed rapidly, and he was soon annoying all the cool waster kids with his mastery of the piano, drums, guitar and trumpet. Christ.
Soon, the awesomely named Mallette started making videos of the little shit and posting then on YouTube. What a bitch. Due to the millions of stupid young girls and weird, slightly dangerous men who use YouTube, Bieber started to get himself some fans. From a “state of humanity” point of view, it was all downhill from there.
Bieber’s Career Takes Off
The stupidly named Scooter Braun has a lot to answer for. This guy, a former marketing executive for some shitty record label, stumbled across Bieber on YouTube. Right… Anyway, this was in 2007, and suddenly all kinds of shitheads were getting involved, jostling for position and otherwise degrading the human race with monotonous shit. Usher had something to do with it all, so you know what that means. A load of old balls.
His first single, “One Time”, was absolute crap. His first album, My World, was even worse because it was longer. Stupid young girls started buying this junk with their pocket money, fuelling some kind of chain reaction that launched Bieber into the goddamned stratosphere. He became, officially, a star.
Get this: he sang for Barack Obama and Michelle at the White House and then took part in a remake of “We Are the World”. Excuse me while I yawn, puke and hang myself.
The Unavoidable Second Bieber Album
Somehow, Bieber got his oh-so-inevitable first acting role in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. This was in 2010, a difficult time for Bieber because his voice was beginning to crack.
Of course, this meant that he would have to learn to sing like a man rather than a whiny little girl. Unfortunately, he still sings like a whiny little girl. I think he released a second album, but I’m not sure. He will eventually.
Justin Bieber Biography 2011
There’s not much more to say really. No scandals, no babies, hasn’t boned Britney yet as far as we know. What a pointless bore. Oh, by the way, Bieber is a practicing Christian. Well there’s a big surprise. Christ. What a shit biography.
Bieber Bio Update for 2015
Since 2011, Bieber has grown physically but withered mentally. Most people now actively dislike him, mainly because he keeps on acting like a total tool. I doubt things will improve in 2015, and I really no longer care.
Horrific blue cardigan image by Kevin Aranibar of Kerosene Photography (Wikimedia Commons).
Annoying image by Heather Sokol (Wikimedia Commons)