Why are my balls red and itchy?
Red balls? Don’t worry, just stop looking for answers on the damn internet and go see a doctor. Photo by ILA-boy, Wikimedia Commons.

I’m assuming you’ve arrived here by searching “Why are my balls red?” using Google (or Bing, I guess, but that would be weird).

I’m also assuming that your balls really are red. In that case, I feel for you man, that sucks.

But what really matters here is this: Why the hell are you looking for answers on the internet? Go see a doctor, man, these are your balls we’re talking about. I mean, don’t panic or anything, it’s probably just a rash or, I dunno, overuse? And sure, it’s embarrassing to show a doctor your balls, but when you hit 50 he’ll probably have his finger up your asshole checking your prostate or whatever, which makes ball examination seem pretty damn tame.

Seriously, go see a doctor bro. You don’t want your love nuggets to go out of action, and you shouldn’t be listening to anyone on the internet about medical issues, even if they claim to be experts. Or political issues, psychological issues, or any other issues, to be honest.

And I sure as shit ain’t no doctor. I’m what they call a “content creator” and I have to write 600 words about red balls or I don’t get paid my $20 by these miserly fucks. Hell, I wanted to write the next great science fiction epic, but here I am, writing about your red balls for 20 bucks. But I guess you probably don’t care about that right now.

Anyway, I’ll take a stab at this. You never know, it might help. But I doubt it.

Why Are My Balls Red and Itchy / Sore / Burning / Dry / Irritated?

OK, I’ll try to help out.

Are your balls red and itchy, or just red? Sore? Burning? Dry and irritated?

Shit, I can’t believe I’m talking about your balls. OK. Forget the description, I wouldn’t know what it meant anyway. Here’s what I’m guessing could have caused your balls to turn red:

  • You’ve been choking the chicken like a god-damned maniac and now nature is telling you to calm the fuck down.
  • You or your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever slept on your balls during the night, strangling them or something.
  • You got slapped or kicked in the balls (but you’d remember that, right?).
  • You’ve been plowing down on the farm. Y’know, like ranch style. Donkey Kong. Dude, say it ain’t so?
  • You’ve been boning super-dirty girls (like those zombie chicks in the movies, the ones that walk around malls all messed up and totally whacked-out and undead).
  • You’ve been riding horses a lot, maybe bareback in humid weather, and you forgot to apply Vaseline or baby powder or whatever. And now all that cross-country, state-to-state cattle rancher style riding has caused mucho chafing. Just ask Vladimir Putin.

If Your Balls Are Red and Burning, Go See a Doctor. Seriously

You still reading this? Sorry, bro, I’m all out of ideas.

You could try reading about itching, burning, swelling and testicular pain over at WebMD, I guess, but you’re wasting your time. Get on a bus and go see a damn doctor. Look for a free clinic or something, because you probably just need to take a pill or apply some cream.

Also, where have you been lately? Like Africa or Peru or Kansas or something? Maybe you got bitten on the balls by some kind of third-world fly or worm or rodent?

I dunno. I sometimes wake up with bites and bruises on my body — and strange chicks in my house — after a heavy night drinking with my buddies. I always ask them “Man, what the hell did I do last night?!” and they say “Shit, bro, you did some crazy shit, man.” So yeah, my point is, ask your buddies if you boned a super dirty girl or something. Maybe you just forgot.

640 words! That means I get paid for writing this article. Good luck dude!

This is Dagr, the personification of day in Norse mythology. And sure, he looks great right now, but I guarantee his balls will be red and sore in the morning. Damn show-off.