Why Are My Balls Red?


Red Balls (ILA-boy, Wikimedia Commons)

Your balls are really red? Dude, holy shit! I feel for you man, that sucks. But seriously, why the hell are you looking for answers on the internet? Go see a doctor, man, these are your balls we’re talking about.

Seriously, go see a doctor bro. If you lose your love nuggets you’re gonna have a real shitty life. But I guess I should try to help, so here goes. But I’m no doctor, so you really shouldn’t listed to me or anyone else on the internet.

Why Are Your Balls Red?

OK, I’ll try to help out. Like, are they red and itchy, or just red? Shit, dude, I can’t believe I’m talking about your balls. OK. Here’s what could have caused your balls to go red:

  • You’ve been choking the chicken like a god-damned maniac.
  • You or your girl slept on your balls during the night, strangling them or something.
  • You got slapped or kicked in the balls (but you’d remember that, right?)
  • You’ve been plowing down on the farm. Dude, say it ain’t so.
  • You’ve been boning real super-dirty girls (like those zombie chicks in the movies, the ones that walk around malls all messed up and totally whacked-out and undead). How old are you, man? I guess if you’re like 7 or 8 or something you probably ain’t banging nothing just yet.
  • You’ve been riding horses a lot, like cross-country, state-to-state cattle rancher style.

Don’t bang sexy zombie chicks, dude, it ain’t worth the risk (image by Jesse_pennington, Photobucket)

Go See a Doctor Dude, Seriously

Sorry, bro’, I’m all out of ideas. I found a website called FunAdvice with advice about “Red spots on penis and balls” – the advice is good I guess, but how the hell can anyone call that fun?

Anyway, they say “Go see a doctor for a diagnosis and an STD test. Or go to a free clinic.” So yeah, like I said, go see a damn doctor, man. Also, where have you been lately? Like Africa or Peru or something? Maybe you got bitten on the balls by some kind of fly or worm or something.

Also, I sometimes wake up with bites and bruises on my body or strange chicks in my house after a heavy night drinking with my buddies. I always ask them like “Man, what the hell did I do last night man?!” and they say “Shit, bro’, you did some crazy shit, man.” So yeah, my point is, ask your buddies if you boned a pro or ho or something. Maybe you forgot.

428 words! That means I get paid for writing this article. Sweet! Good luck dude.

Editorial: Hello Content Writer. I have flagged this article for a rewrite. The article is well written, passionate and informative, but you need to back up your statements with authoritative medical references and further resources. FunAdvice.com is not a reliable medical reference. Please also check the article for inappropriate language (i.e. curse words). Thank you.

Content Writer: Dude, seriously, I told the kid to go see a doctor. Why send him round in circles online, man? His balls are red, the guy needs to see a professional and get those things checked out quickly, man. The curse words are there to impart a sense of urgency, or this kid is gonna end up singing in the choir, man. Geez!

  2 comments for “Why Are My Balls Red?

  1. Forbe
    December 8, 2011 at 1:15 am

    But what if my balls are blue?

    • Derp
      June 29, 2013 at 2:50 pm

      Then you’re screwed.

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