Choosing a baby name is a pain in the rear, especially when you want to give your son a strong baby name but your wife wants some kind of sissy, fluffy little forename. Balls to that.
There are thousands of insipid baby name websites out there, some of which include lists of “strong baby names” or “tough baby names” for boys. They are all crap, seriously, don’t even bother.
Take a look at one of the top ranking sites for the search term “tough baby names,” the imaginatively named Top 100 Baby Names Search. It’s a good site, I guess, but the tough names truly stink. Artie? Lester? Shep? Seriously? The name Tray is listed because it means “third in order.” How the hell is being third supposed to be tough?
Strong Baby Names List
I’m not going to make a sprawling list of tough baby names, but I will share with you my own shortlist just to give you some ideas. I don’t have a son, mainly because I don’t like children, but if I do end up having one then these are the names I’m going to choose from:
- AK – The most popular assault rifle ever produced, the AK-47 (Kalashnikov Automatic Rifle, 1947 Model) is a real man’s weapon. You should pronounce it as A.K., because “Ak” sounds a bit stupid. You could always christen your son Ass Kicker or something like that, then abbreviate it for double the toughness.
- Bastard – Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go. You can Latinize it by sticking an “o” on the end, which gives it a kind of exotic edginess.
- Frukkayew – I made that up, but it’s pretty cool. Whenever someone asks your son what his name is, it will sound like he’s drunkenly slurring “F*ck you.”
- Gunboat – That’s a tough and manly baby name whatever way you look at it.
- Pierrepoint – Albert Pierrepoint was the U.K.’s most prolific hangman (and a personal hero of mine), having hung at least 450 people during his illustrious career. He had planned on making criminal waste management his profession ever since the age of 11, intent on following in the footsteps of his father, Henry Albert Pierrepoint (105 hangings), and his uncle, Thomas Pierrepoint (294 hangings approx). What a cool kid.
- Crusher – It’s quite an obvious one, but Crusher is the dog’s danglers when it comes to tough baby names. I also like Hammer, Smasher, Dagger and Cutter. My uncle had a dog called Crusher, a real mean son of a gun, once tore the head off a cow. If I ever have a kid, I want him to be as tough as that damn dog.
- Supay – Supay was the Inca god of death, ruler of the underworld and leader of a race of demons. The Incas were a powerful tribe who ruled over most of Africa about 2,000 years ago (could have been Mexico). I think it’s cool that Supay had his own race of demons to rule over, pretty intense really.
- Sissy Boy – People aren’t just born tough, it’s something that they have to learn. If your son gets called Sissy Boy for his entire life, there’s a good chance that he’ll grow up to be as hard as nails. Give it a go, it might work.
Tough Baby Name Generator
As I said, that’s my shortlist. If you like one of the names then go ahead and use it, I’d be honored. If you need more ideas, here are a couple of online name generators that might help you find a tough name for your baby boy.
The first is the Tough Man Name Generator on a website called Dagobah.net. I was pretty excited when I came across this, but I have to admit that the names it gave me were a bit disappointing:
- Smash McSlamchunk
- Crud Squatmeat
- Crunch Manbeef
- Thick Manmeal
Crunch is a pretty sweet name, but otherwise they all sound kind of gay. Thick Manmeal? I want my son to be tough; I don’t want him hanging around in moonlit parks looking for manbeef. To be honest, I only generated a few names. I guess if your wife is giving you hassle about thinking of a name for your son then you’ll probably devote a bit more time to it than I did.
More Manly Baby Names for Boys
Next up is the Seventh Sanctum Evil Name Generator. I guess geeky types use this to make names for book characters and stuff, but it pretty much rocks for generating strong-sounding baby names. You can even choose categories that fit your kid’s personality (or the personality that you want it to have). I selected “Bestial/Animalistic”, “Disgusting/Putrid” and “Horrific/Unspeakable” as a test, and I was impressed with the results:
- Fangpuke the Grotesque
OK, so the last one is a bit of a mouthful, but you can see how these would make tough names for your baby boy. There are loads more options to play with, so you’re sure to find some good names to consider for your newly born bundle of puke and joy.
Got Any Great Ideas for Tough Baby Names for Boys?
Some people have a real gift for making up manly names for kids. If you have any good ideas, feel free to add them in the comments section below. Together we can make a list of real tough baby names, not like that fluffy nonsense that the other sites have. If your ideas are rubbish, I’ll let you know.