Youth wilderness programs

Send your child on youth wilderness programs and he might come face to face with a grizzly bear. That’ll finally make a man of him. Photo by Norman Rawn, flickr.com.

Youth wilderness programs offer numerous benefits to both parents and their children. For kids, the wilderness — the great outdoors — is a wonderful place to lose weight, learn how to survive, and experience some dramatic and potentially life-changing adventures.

Fat Kids Hate Teen Wilderness Programs

It is a fact that fat kids hate youth wilderness programs. Fat kids are lazy, for a start, so being stuck in the middle of nowhere is not good. A fat kid will actually have to walk from one place to another. Furthermore, the ground will be uneven, not like nice flat pavements in urban areas. That’s good; the little porker will get some exercise.

Even better is the complete lack of food. After a week or so of starvation, most chubby teens will start eating random berries, leaves, insects and soil. By this time, significant weight loss should have already been achieved. Better still, most of the crap that the desperate little porker is eating will be poisonous. This, in turn, will lead to severe vomiting and further weight loss.

After a couple of weeks (a month is better) your child should look much better physically, beyond a few surface scratches. Expect some mental trauma, lingering infections and numerous cuts and bruises – but don’t worry, those things are superficial when compared to the social shame of fatness.

Youth Wilderness Camps are Great for Parents Who Don’t Like Their Kids

If you don’t like your own kids very much then just send them away.

Summer camps, soccer camps and adventure holidays are good, but putting your brat through a more hellish experience will give you greater satisfaction as you enjoy your peace and freedom. Look for a teen wilderness camp that lasts for at least one month. If you’ve got enough cash to invest, try sending your kid to a foreign country like Vietnam or Sierra Leone. The extra travel time will give you a few more precious days of tranquility (and if you’re lucky, perhaps even more).

Youth Wilderness Programs for Cowardly Kids

Is your kid a coward? Are you ashamed? You should be. If it’s time for your weakling child to man-up, send him or her off to a godforsaken jungle for a few weeks of torment.

Pick a teen wilderness program that operates in an area containing dangerous wild animals, poisonous plants and craggy precipices. Some areas are also notorious hotspots for escaped convicts. Ideally, search online for a program with terrible reviews and awful ratings.

If your kid is cared for and coddled then he’s not going to get anything out of the experience. If, on the other hand, he is treated like crap and generally forgotten about then he might actually come back a little bit tougher.

Troubled youth wilderness programs

These children were all lazy and obese before joining a three-month youth wilderness program in Sierra Leone. Here you can see them running from a pack of hungry striped hyenas.