Instructions for Kittens

Editorial: This article has been flagged due to title misinterpretation. The article should have been interpreted as “Instructions for Kitten Owners” — you should not address the kitten itself. Please review and rewrite.

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Kittens Should Take Advantage of Human Affection (photo by Jacob Davies, Flickr)

Kittens have to learn how to adapt quickly. Life is full of surprises for a young kitten, with new things to discover and places to explore.

Adventure waits around every corner – but so does danger. A kitten must begin his training as soon as possible in order to protect his own life and ensure his future independence.

Settling In

Most kittens will be taken from their parents at a very young age to be relocated in a new home. Settling in may seem impossible at first; everything is new, unfamiliar, perhaps frightening. You will have to be strong and calm.

If your owners are kind you will be well supported and can expect a good life. If they are unreasonable or even cruel, start planning your escape. You will be too young to flee just yet so you must survive long enough to at least reach your adolescence, at which point you can escape.

Kitten Hazards

Human owners are the greatest threat to kittens. However, they are generally kind and caring. Your traditional enemy is the dog. Avoid small yapping dogs with size issues. Also avoid very big dogs with names like Adolf, Bruiser, Fang and Bastardo. Many hazards can be found outside the home. Cars, eagles, teenage boys and manufacturers of luxury handbags are just some of the things waiting to kill you if you venture too far from home. Don’t leave the house until you are an adult.

Humans

Before you and your fellow felines were domesticated, humans provided a good source of meat for hungry cats. Due to a strange twist of fate, human beings now see themselves as your owners. Clever kittens will use this to their advantage. Humans willingly offer both protection and food to kittens. Even when you have reached maturity and no longer need human help, humans continue to provide. Eat their food, sleep in their homes and offer very little in return: this has been the cat motto for the last 50 years.

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Learn to Use Your Claws for Killing (photo by .Jennifer Leigh., Flickr)

Hunting Practice for Kittens

You will need to learn how to hunt in order to grow into an independent cat. Humans like to play with kittens; they are totally unaware that they are training you to be a killer, but that has no bearing upon your development.

Stalking is the initial stage of any kill. Spot your target and approach with stealth. Strike quickly when in range with claws extended. Puncture the target with your forepaw claws and apply pressure until the target is incapacitated.

As your skills develop you will be able to kill increasingly larger targets. Kill everything that moves including, but not limited to, mice, rats, birds, moles, insects and aquarium fish.

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