How to Mend a Broken Heart in a Week

Some people waste decades trying to mend a broken heart. But that’s just stupid really. Why spend so much time being miserable, and making everyone else miserable, when you can fix your broken heart in a week?

broken hearted girl

Broken hearted girl, there’s no point sitting around feeling sorry for yourself (RenesmeeCarlieCullen1, photobucket)

Day 1 – Cry

Most people sit around moaning and crying and boring the hell out of all of their friends for weeks. It’s just not necessary. Take a day, mope around the house, do nothing, smash some stuff, cry and blubber and then go to bed. One day is enough – anything more is kind of pathetic and self-indulgent.

Day 2 – Drink

You will wake up on day 2 feeling no better than the day before – you probably haven’t slept at all. This is why day 2 is all about alcohol. Drag yourself out of bed and down to the liquor store. Buy cheap, buy strong and buy a lot (rum and whisky are both good for the heart). Take at least four bottles home and get stuck in. Don’t invite any friends round because you’ll only start boring the hell out of them again. Put some music on, get comfortable and get smashed.

Day 3 – Get Laid

Sleep late on day 3. Wake up whenever the hell you like – you’re going to feel like a bat’s ass after all the booze from the day before, so don’t rush into anything. Order a pizza and buy some more alcohol. Later, you’re going dancing. As soon as night falls, sort yourself out and dress up. Head for a big ass nightclub and have some fun for God’s sake. Keep on drinking and look for a vaguely attractive member of the opposite sex/same sex/whatever. Grab a clean looking one and take them home. Get laid.

Day 4 – Rest

Again, no need to get up early. If whatever you brought home last night is still hanging around then get rid of it – there’s no room here for rebound nonsense. Day 4 is a day of rest, you deserve it. Buy some wine, relax, watch TV. If you smoke, then smoke. If you don’t smoke then you can always start.

Day 5 – Pull Yourself Together

how-to-mend-a-broken-heart-man

Get over it, pretty boy, or you’ll have no friends. (September_Rain1777)

Day 5 is the day you realize that all your pretty little plans for the future have been blown out of the water. How are you going to deal with that? Simple – embrace it.

You are newly independent and day 5 is not a good day for sitting around doing nothing. Call your friends, go out and have some fun and a few drinks.

Do not talk about relationships unless you want to be eternally miserable and friendless.

Day 6 – The Comeback

Day 6 is traditionally the day on which the cause of all your turmoil decides to call you. This is the “comeback,” and it is generally a pathetic scenario. Prepare yourself for things like “I never meant to hurt you” or “I felt trapped” or “I didn’t know it was illegal.” He/she/whatever may have even had a change of heart. Don’t even bother talking about all this baloney, life is way too short. Hang up.

Day 7 – Whatever

When you wake up on day 7 you should be feeling pretty good. It’s been a fast-track fix with minimal fuss. Take a look out the window. The world is still spinning and people are going about their business just like they always do. Just like you should be doing. You’re free, you’re easy, you’re a tougher, more cynical, more interesting person than you were before. Broken heart? It’s still beating isn’t it? So get on with your life, your heart won’t be beating forever.

Note: if this article helped relieve the pain in your heart, please help others by sharing it on Twitter, StumbleUpon, Facebook etc. Thank you.

  12 comments for “How to Mend a Broken Heart in a Week

  1. Israfel
    November 25, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    thank you for the advice!
    it made my day.

  2. Content Writer
    November 25, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    No problem, Israfel. I always try to help my fellow humans.

  3. Yusuf
    May 1, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    If only I’d seen this a few months ago. Mail me, Content Writer, I wanna talk about it to a complete stranger. And you do kinda owe me, lol, seeing as the title of your post led me to believe that I could mend my broken heart in a week, only to find out a prerequisite was that my heart needed to be broken yesterday… I had a feeling this would’ve worked, though. Thanks for the post.

    Cheers!

    PS: I’m serious about you mailing me, aiyt!

  4. Beth
    October 9, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    lol………

  5. Sabastine pam
    March 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Look mr.writer, i kinda like what u do at ur best. I would like if u show or tell me how to get a girl i have been trying to get for atleast 3yrs now. At first, i t seems like it is a ‘yes’ but it turns out to be a ‘no’ i can’t stand of loosing her to someone. I want her to get along with me b4 our graduation day cos i want to have sex with her during the night party. If u need any personal info. Please contact me. Ur reply is very vital.

    • March 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

      Hi Sabastine. You’ve been trying for three years? Um… OK.

      First, don’t tell her that you want to have sex with her at the graduation party. That might be too forward. Do you actually talk to her much, or is it more of a stalker situation?

      If you are already friends, then maybe you should just tell her exactly how you feel (without the graduation sex part).

      If you aren’t friends, then maybe you should try being polite and friendly first. Y’know, try to get to know her better. Then try to get her into bed at the party.

      That probably doesn’t help at all. But good luck.

  6. Adams3
    May 13, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Lol, soo funny!….. I try to mend my broken heart like this all the time but still manage to wake up next to the one breaking it, maybe I’m too emotional or maybe women are just too dam heartless

  7. August 25, 2012 at 6:41 am

    I find it silly at first but could probably say that your advice is the easiest way to deal with a broken heart…. like “dont complicate simple things and situations”… I was upset and felt like shattered into pieces the past days. Thanks for the simple but great advice… And take note, i like your site…. I like that 50 tips on how to deal with boredom too….

  8. Cassie
    December 18, 2012 at 1:54 am

    good job! i should have read this a few years back. hahaha

  9. omoni andy
    July 19, 2013 at 1:35 am

    youur aticcle is perfect.

  10. August 12, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Thanks everybody! If my advice can fix just one broken heart then I will be truly happy.

  11. cat valentine
    May 31, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    wtf

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